A Real Life Example of Why I Made the Switch to Collaborative

Here's a prime example of the kinds of emotions that led me to change my divorce practice to Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce -----

I was in a grocery store and I was approached by a man I did not know but who knew me. He called me by my first name, and when I acknowledged him, he said, ”Your Tracy Timby,” an d went on to say that I had written some lies about him. By his side was his 7 year old daughter who looked understandably confused. I asked him in what context I wrote about him, and when he told me his name, I realized that he was the soon-to-be-ex of one of my litigation clients.I also realized that I was not allowed to talk to him because he had an attorney (that's one of those rules we attorneys have to follow - no "ex parte" communication).

I told him I couldn’t talk to him without his attorney being present. He decided to continue, however, and went on to point to his daughter and say "Look at her…this is who you are hurting". Ironic, huh? He put his child in the middle of a conversation about his divorce during the time he is supposed to spend with her...and then purposely makes her the center of his anger!

I haven't blogged much about my practice this past 10 days or so because I was trying to figure out this INSANITY. Then, I realized what got me into this area of law in the first place...it needed good guys. The more the word spreads about alternatives to litigated divorce, the less grocery store incidents we will have. The people I work with in alternative divorces are sad, yes. Bitter, maybe...but ultimately thankful that they were able to work out the divorce while minimizing the trauma to themselves and their children.

Visit Timby Hunt to learn more about Collaborative divorce.

Alternative means to divorce are sweeping the country

I have something called "Google Alerts" set to email me whenever someone on the internet mentions Collaborative Divorce or Divorce Mediation. Guess what? People are talking about Collaborative Divorce and Mediation all over the country in the form of:

Blog Posts

Websites (like mine)

Web Articles

E-Zines

...and this occurs every day. Hopefully, everything we have been talking about for months is starting to sink in! We use software that tells us live where people from all over the country have been checking out my website. We get people from Atlanta to Oregon and California to New Hampshire...so pass on the word:

If You Are Going To Divorce...You Don't Have To Ruin The Children.

(Seriously...can you'all tell a few people about this? www.timbyhunt.com. Maybe we can save a few children.)

Monday at 10:34pm

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To Mediate Or Not To Mediate? (or, asked in another way,) Do You Listen?

Every summer I seem to have an influx of mediation cases. This summer was no different. In divorce mediation, the couple meets with a trained mediator to try and come to agreements on issues with their children, their stuff (assets and liabilities) and support.

As the mediator, I am a neutral and cannot give legal advice. I am there to facilitate constructive communication and help the couple really listen to each other.

One couple recently came in and, as I explained this to them, they said "Well, we can talk to each other just fine, why do we need you?" It's a question I get often. The key is most couples say they can "talk", BUT they don't say they can "listen." As a divorce mediator, I help them listen to what their partner is saying and stay focused on discussing the issues...NOT what brought them to the decision to divorce.

September 4 at 11:37pm

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New York judge orders mother to make children available for Skype visits

TimbyHunt - Divorcing While Keeping The Children in Tact

I just finished reading the above article. In summary, it is about a mother who went to court seeking permission to move from New York to Florida with her children. Not only does she have family there, she was offered a great job.

In a divorce where the courts are involved, parents cannot move out of the area if it will effect the other parent's custodial time. Either the party gets a court order or there is an agreement between the two parties. The latter is the kind of work I do for clients, because the shock of things like this can be managed and made easier to deal with.

My neighbors just told their daughter they were moving. It was very traumatic for her...and they aren't even divorcing! Think what the children have to go through with something like this. Imagine the additional anguish that comes when a child is made to testify at a relocation hearing. I applaud the judge in this New York case for getting creative with the use of Skype. It is just a shame the parents couldn't avoid litigation.

Any comments, guys? I think we need to try to remind everybody that this is going on all around them.

August 25 at 12:24pm

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Closing a profitable business because of divorce?

Divorcing While Keeping The Children in Tact

I have a couple in mediation now who are in a family business. Not only is the Husband the Chief Operating Officer but the Wife and her sisters are shareholders.

Typically, when one of the assets in a divorce is a business, each party retains his/her own business evaluator. The fee for this is somewhere in the $5000-...$10,000 range per person. The parties are then armed with what their expert believes to be a fair value and the choices are for one person to buy the other out of the business, to sell it or to shut it down. Often, the business is the largest asset and a buy out is just not possible. Additionally, as is the case with my current couple, there are siblings involved making the buy-out even more difficult.

Selling a profitable long standing business is generally not a great option either and shutting it down is tragic. When divorcing parties can collaborate or mediate however, the options expand. My couple has decided that since the business is the sole source of income, Husband will continue to run the business and a shareholder's agreement will be crafted to insure that wife and her siblings continue to receive revenue from the business.

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In custody litigation, everyone loses.

TimbyHunt - Divorcing While Keeping The Children in Tact

I just received the recommendation of a private custody evaluator in one of my litigated custody matters. The child has lived in one household for quite awhile and had limited contact with the other parent. She is quite torn between the parent she lives with now and the parent she has begun to visit. If she enjoys herself in either place, the adults treat it as a betrayal.

To add to all of this she is a teenager. The recommendation was needed because no agreement between the adults could be reached as to where the child should attend school this year. I lost. But, in custody litigation everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other with the child in the middle. A decision has to be made and there is a perceived winner as the outcome is in their favor.
At what cost?

Is the "win" of your school district worth all of the destruction that has occurred when your child sees and hears you tear down and rip apart his/her Father or Mother?

The "win" doesn't make it any less confusing for the child, can he/she love you both? She's probably thinking "Why do you hate each other so much?"

Add to this the subconscious absorption of the knowledge that this is how relationships are, that one should not expect to be treated any better than this. The child has no outlet, no input.

In Collaborative, child specialists are enlisted to help transition children whose parents are divorcing. They have someone they can talk to about what is happening and how that is affecting them. Children begin to separate what is happening between their parents from themselves. Parents work with divorce coaches to deal with their emotions so they can keep the children out of the middle. Parents learn to cope with the dissolution of their marriage and work on how to preserve the family relationships.

Stay tuned for more of these real life examples. If this divorce could only have been done the other way, would their teenage girl have been better off? If YOU are one of the readers of this, I'm curious to know what you think...

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Standard divorces are much more profitable for attorneys

TimbyHunt - Divorcing While Keeping The Children in Tact

I spoke to another attorney a few days ago who told me they wanted to stop doing divorce law. So, of course, I am thinking that it is because of the same reasons that I stopped doing standard divorces...the cross-examining of small children, the stress of dealing with clients that are unhappy with the court's decisions etc.

I asked another question, thinking he was about to say to me, "screw the money I have been making doing these angry divorces...it's not worth it!" I innocently thought that he might say this because of the niceties that go along with the kind of law that I practice. Of course, I was jolted back into the real world two seconds later when his response was,

"No...of course not. We are going to hire someone to do the divorce work. There is way too much money in it for us to stop doing that."

And there you have it in a nutshell. The money his firm makes is a result of the contentious nature of divorces. When you have fighting, screaming, children being put in the middle, etc. the fees will always be higher. Because of all the time that is billed to achieve simple tasks, letters back and forth, simple requests, accusations, alimony issues...all that mean more billable hours. Instead of sitting in a cooperative atmosphere with each other and moving on peacefully for the kids sakes, people choose to spend money so they can exact some sort of revenge.

What's your take on this? Are there people reading this that don't want to cooperate because they hate or want to get revenge on the other?

about an hour ago ·

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