For two years now my practice has been devoted to Divorce
Mediation and Collaborative divorce. For
twelve years prior to that I was engaged in the practice of divorce
litigation. During my litigation years I never
realized, or maybe I didn’t need to acknowledge, that everyone going through a
divorce is gripped by fear. Fear that the decision to divorce isn’t the
right one; fear that the kids will be irreparably harmed; fear that family and
friends will abandon them or think so much less of them for having divorced;
fear that they won’t have enough money.
Any change is scary and anxiety ridden but divorce is on a whole other
level. It is a decision that effects not
only the couple but every aspect of the life they have come to know. Often times,
just changing that facebook status to “separated” redefines a
person.
One of
the things I always tell clients who come in for information about divorce is
that it’s a decision they need to be sure of when they make it, especially if
they have children. It’s not a process
to start without trying to save your marriage.
The best thing for children is the traditional family. Often however, clients have already tried
everything to work things out with their spouse and are left with the difficult
decision to divorce. Gathering information
about the options for divorce is the next step.
Typically, each spouse hires a lawyer who strategizes and maps out the
moves to “win” custody of the children, maximize or minimize support payments and take
the larger share of the couples assets.
It is emotionally and financially expensive, takes an average of two
years to complete and leaves the couple and the children with very little
control over decisions. The fear of the
impact of the divorce is compounded by the lack of control over their own
lives.
Dealing with the loss of a marriage
and the fear of the future requires a comprehensive approach - Collaborative divorce. This process typically takes 6-9 months and
costs about one-third of the typical divorce.
This process is centered on the goals of each spouse. The first step in the process is to find an
attorney who recognizes how hard divorce
really is an is trained and experienced in working with conflict
resolution. Resources such as the
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the Bucks County
Collaborative Law Group are very helpful in identifying attorneys who are dedicated to
Collaborative. Sometimes clients get
referrals from counselors or their churches or synagogues. Call a few Collaborative attorneys, meet with
them and evaluate them in terms of how committed they are to helping you reach your post-divorce goals not how interested they are in getting you
as a client.
Focusing on where you want your life to go and
what your goals are for the future are important steps in restructuring your
life and calming those fears. In
Collaborative, appropriate professionals are used along with the attorneys so
clients have the knowledge needed to make rational, thoughtful decisions. Financial advisors can project what each
spouses retirement will look like in 10, 15, 20 years, child specialists help parents
make the transition through divorce easier on the children and assist the children with their own thoughts
and emotions and divorce coaches break the barriers of anxiety, anger and grief
that can prevent couples from making decisions and coming to agreements. Once you have a Collaborative attorney you
feel you can work with, you need to talk
to your spouse about working Collaboratively.
Your attorney can provide you with written information to share with
your spouse. Usually, even couples who
are absolutely at odds with each other, can agree on trying to minimize the
adverse effect of divorce on their children – start the conversation there. In addition to being better for children,
highlight for your spouse the reduced cost of the Collaborative process and the
ability to move it along at a pace that is right for the family. Most people do not really want to give $25,
$50 or even $100,000 to divorce lawyers.
Finally, the information exchanged in Collaborative meetings is private. The family will not have to testify in a
courtroom which is open to the public.
