During my tenure as a Bucks County Collaborative Divorce Attorney, I have packed up the office at the end of the week, and smiled, not just because it was Friday, but because I had played a role in lessening the sting of divorce for children and their parents. Last week however, my legal assistant relayed a story that has stayed with me, reminding me of how ugly the world of traditional divorce can be even after it is litigated. I share it here, in her words.
I love my car rides to school with my 21 month old son every morning. It is our true “mommy and me” time when we share lively conversation and our love for music. We particularly enjoy Disney classics, newly discovered worship music and (I hate to admit it) a heavy dose of Justin Bieber. We sing and laugh in our bubble of solitude as we journey to his well staffed, well heeled daycare/summer camp. One morning last week, however, my bubble was burst.
As we arrived at his school, I immediately noticed an unfamiliar gentleman crossing from the adjacent parking lot and beginning to run towards a parked car and a startled child. I am always very aware being the overprotective mom ready to kick-box any pedophile, kidnapper or bully in the area. The car was parked right ahead of us so I could not help but hear some bits of the conversation that transpired between the child and what turned out to be his dad. The father was apparently very upset as he told the child, “I was supposed to pick you up this morning.” Because of our close proximity, it was impossible to miss the look on the young boy’s face.
He was about eleven or twelve and what I saw on the child’s face was unmistakable and familiar for anyone who has ever been that age. It was pure embarrassment.
Assessing that there was no physical danger pending, I turned my attention away from the first boy and noticed a second younger child with their mother who was signaling the school administrator to phone the police. An argument then ensued between the parents which escalated and covered such topics as whose visitation time it was, who worked and who didn’t and for what level of compensation, whose money paid for what and so on.
I made it indoors with my son, who thankfully at 21 months old is totally oblivious of such things and was still singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. I emerged to the sight of two local patrol cars and statements being provided by the mother and school officials. The father had since left the scene. The school was put on “immediate lock-down” with all students accounted for and returned to classrooms with heightened teacher supervision.
As a legal assistant at the Bucks County Law Practice of Timby Hunt, one would think I would be immune to such things. But I am not. I felt the pain of those children, of that mother and even of that dad who felt he had been slighted. He later called back to the school to apologize, since the mother it appears was in the right with respect to their custodial agreement. However, what I really felt was a pain and anxiety for myself, my child and all the others who through no fault of our own had our bubbles burst that morning.
My heart raced as I promised myself, once again, that I would never subject my child to something so heinous. In this world where people are often quick to decide they don’t want to be spouses anymore, we can’t take such a flippant view of parenthood. I imagined the permanent damage that could have been done to those boys had they witnessed their father being loaded into a patrol car. Later as I drove to work I imagined the possibility, however remote, that the enraged father might return to the school where my son now innocently played.
The plain truth is divorce is a modern reality that when done poorly can be ugly and destructive. The further truth is that the destruction is not only to the parties involved, but to their children, their neighbors and the community as a whole. Luckily my littlest member of the community at large came home just fine and slept peacefully with images of water bubblers in his head. Hopefully a kinder, gentler form of the Collaborative Divorce process will take root in his lifetime. In the meantime we’ll settle for a peaceful drop-off tomorrow with Justin Bieber on the radio.
