During my tenure as a Bucks County Collaborative Divorce Attorney, I have packed up the office at the end of the week, and smiled, not just because it was Friday, but because I had played a role in lessening the sting of divorce for children and their parents. Last week however, my legal assistant relayed a story that has stayed with me, reminding me of how ugly the world of traditional divorce can be even after it is litigated. I share it here, in her words.
I love my car rides to school with my 21 month old son every morning. It is our true “mommy and me” time when we share lively conversation and our love for music. We particularly enjoy Disney classics, newly discovered worship music and (I hate to admit it) a heavy dose of Justin Bieber. We sing and laugh in our bubble of solitude as we journey to his well staffed, well heeled daycare/summer camp. One morning last week, however, my bubble was burst.
As we arrived at his school, I immediately noticed an unfamiliar gentleman crossing from the adjacent parking lot and beginning to run towards a parked car and a startled child. I am always very aware being the overprotective mom ready to kick-box any pedophile, kidnapper or bully in the area. The car was parked right ahead of us so I could not help but hear some bits of the conversation that transpired between the child and what turned out to be his dad. The father was apparently very upset as he told the child, “I was supposed to pick you up this morning.” Because of our close proximity, it was impossible to miss the look on the young boy’s face.
He was about eleven or twelve and what I saw on the child’s face was unmistakable and familiar for anyone who has ever been that age. It was pure embarrassment.
Assessing that there was no physical danger pending, I turned my attention away from the first boy and noticed a second younger child with their mother who was signaling the school administrator to phone the police. An argument then ensued between the parents which escalated and covered such topics as whose visitation time it was, who worked and who didn’t and for what level of compensation, whose money paid for what and so on.
I made it indoors with my son, who thankfully at 21 months old is totally oblivious of such things and was still singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. I emerged to the sight of two local patrol cars and statements being provided by the mother and school officials. The father had since left the scene. The school was put on “immediate lock-down” with all students accounted for and returned to classrooms with heightened teacher supervision.
As a legal assistant at the Bucks County Law Practice of Timby Hunt, one would think I would be immune to such things. But I am not. I felt the pain of those children, of that mother and even of that dad who felt he had been slighted. He later called back to the school to apologize, since the mother it appears was in the right with respect to their custodial agreement. However, what I really felt was a pain and anxiety for myself, my child and all the others who through no fault of our own had our bubbles burst that morning.
My heart raced as I promised myself, once again, that I would never subject my child to something so heinous. In this world where people are often quick to decide they don’t want to be spouses anymore, we can’t take such a flippant view of parenthood. I imagined the permanent damage that could have been done to those boys had they witnessed their father being loaded into a patrol car. Later as I drove to work I imagined the possibility, however remote, that the enraged father might return to the school where my son now innocently played.
The plain truth is divorce is a modern reality that when done poorly can be ugly and destructive. The further truth is that the destruction is not only to the parties involved, but to their children, their neighbors and the community as a whole. Luckily my littlest member of the community at large came home just fine and slept peacefully with images of water bubblers in his head. Hopefully a kinder, gentler form of the Collaborative Divorce process will take root in his lifetime. In the meantime we’ll settle for a peaceful drop-off tomorrow with Justin Bieber on the radio.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Leveling the Playing Field: Lessons of Bankruptcy and Divorce
the owners’ divorce proceedings.
While Los Angeles Dodgers Administration and its sports agenda plays out on the West Coast, the story holds insight for Southeastern Pennsylvania divorce cases. Bucks County couples experiencing the stress of an impending divorce, along with financial insolvency, may attempt to mitigate their financial difficulties in any kind of property settlement negotiation. Often times however, that can lead to the unintended consequence of losing property that might otherwise be preserved for the after-marriage portion of life.
Under certain circumstances, filing a joint bankruptcy petition prior to the divorce can determine the financial responsibilities that remain after the divorce degree is issued, as well as, preserve the property acquired during the marriage to greatest extent permissible under the law.
During the collaborative divorce proceedings, couples can meet with a financial planner to see if a joint bankruptcy filing is the best course of action before a divorce is final. A divorce court, however, will not order a couple to file bankruptcy opting instead to just split up the debt between the parties.
While bankruptcy is not usually the first choice of divorcing couples, for some it can prove to be the right option especially in this economy. If the parties are in a small business, bankruptcy can protect business assets and income for the support of the children.
Contrary to popular belief, a bankruptcy filing does not offset anyone’s obligation to pay for alimony or child support, nor does it affect property division as these are not dischargeable obligations.
Another myth I hear is that if someone files bankruptcy they will lose everything they own. Nothing could be further from the truth. Under a joint bankruptcy petition couples can improve their ability to exempt certain property from the reach of their creditors. The net effect is to provide each person with as much property as possible for the post-divorce phase of life.
In my experience, the overwhelming numbers of financially strapped people are not on the brink of bankruptcy because they are unwilling to pay their financial responsibilities, but rather because they are unable to. Usually the reason for the inability to pay is because either there was an unexpected loss of income or because of unexpected and uncovered medical expenses. Sometimes it is because of both.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Role of the Child Specialist in Collaborative
Since Timby Hunt works with very important people in the Collaborative process, we thought it would be great to have some of them write a new page for the website from time to time. So, leading off, here is a short page written by Erin Tighe von Zuben, Ph.D, who is a child psychologist:
In essence, the child specialist is a neutral party whose primary responsibility is bringing children's needs into clear focus in a way that informs decisions and choices made by the parents that affect their children’s lives. The child specialist is not a therapist, and remains focused on seeking the best decisions for the interest of the children involved as they relate to the family’s divorce. Their role is not treatment but fact gathering, recommendation development, and advocacy within the team.
The child specialist is a licensed mental health professional with special expertise in helping families through a divorce. They serve as a neutral consultant to families and children going through divorce, and in essence, represent and advocates for the best interest the children and adolescents involved.
A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.
A Child Specialist can:
215-906-0588
Offices in Doylestown and Yardley
The Role of the Child Specialist as Part of the Collaborative Divorce Process
The collaborative divorce process gives children a clear "voice". As part of this process, the role of the child specialist is designed to accurately identify, frame, and support these voices so that they are appropriately represented and addressed.
In essence, the child specialist is a neutral party whose primary responsibility is bringing children's needs into clear focus in a way that informs decisions and choices made by the parents that affect their children’s lives. The child specialist is not a therapist, and remains focused on seeking the best decisions for the interest of the children involved as they relate to the family’s divorce. Their role is not treatment but fact gathering, recommendation development, and advocacy within the team.
The child specialist is a licensed mental health professional with special expertise in helping families through a divorce. They serve as a neutral consultant to families and children going through divorce, and in essence, represent and advocates for the best interest the children and adolescents involved.
A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.
A Child Specialist can:
- Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
- Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
- Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
- Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.
- Assess and prepare an appropriate list of child-centered recommendations to be given to the team for the purposes of incorporating them into the divorce agreement.
215-906-0588
Offices in Doylestown and Yardley
Arnold and Maria...How It Probably Occurred
Reports yesterday morning told the story of the separation of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger after 25 years of marriage. She's 55 and he's 63 and their children are 14, 18, 20 and 21. In their joint statement they focused on the children - "We are continuing to parent our four children together," they said. "They are the light and the center of both of our lives."
More and more couples in long term marriages are considering separation and divorce. There is a focus on a new part of their life - a transition.
Maria Shriver did a video post on this at the end of March. Watch her short video here.
The reason for the timing of the announcement is the subject of much speculation. In my experience though, couples who have made the difficult decision to divorce often want to use the summer months to transition their children. The older Shriver/Schwarzenegger children are likely finishing up their Spring semesters at college while the younger one is just about to the end of his school year.
The first step in the Collaborative process is to find an attorney who is trained and experienced in working with conflict resolution. Resources such as the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group are very helpful in identifying attorneys who are dedicated to Collaborative.
Sometimes clients get referrals from counselors or their churches or synagogues. Call a few Collaborative attorneys (or call me); meet with them and then evaluate them in terms of how committed they are to helping you transition to your post-divorce life, not how interested they are in winning the case for you. Winning the case only gets you so far. Focusing on where you want your life to go and what your goals are for the future are important steps in restructuring your life.
In Collaborative, appropriate professionals are used along with attorneys so clients have the knowledge needed to make rational, thoughtful decisions. Financial advisors can project what each spouses retirement will look like in 10, 15, 20 years. Child specialists help the children with their thoughts and emotions and divorce coaches break the barriers of anxiety, anger and grief that can prevent couples from making decisions and coming to agreements.
Once you have a Collaborative attorney you feel you can work with, you need to talk to your spouse about working Collaboratively. Your attorney can provide you with written information to share with your spouse. Usually, even couples who are absolutely at odds with each other, can agree on trying to minimize the adverse effect of divorce on their children.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Celebrity divorces are usually done collaborately
Several celebrity divorces in the news this week. Christina Aguilera and Courtney Cox are two that come to mind...
Now, one thing that a lot of people notice with celebrity divorces is that it doesn't take two years. There are exceptions of course. The Kim Bassinger case...they've been fighting over custody for ever and ever. But most of the time they are done relatively quickly...somewhere in the neighborhood of 3 to 6 months...it's wrapped up and the folks are divorced.
Why? Because they are divorcing collaboratively. On average a collaborative divorce will take 3 to 6 months, whereas a litigated divorce, where you are constantly at the mercy of the court's schedule, is going to take anywhere from 18 to 24 months.
So, it's really a significant time difference. The amount of emotional trauma is minimized because you can get everything done relatively quickly and it also minimizes the cost, because the less time that attorneys spend with clients, the less fees are going to be associated with it.
To see more on this, please go to my website www.timbyhunt.com where you can learn a lot about Collaborative Divorce and divorce mediation.
Why? Because they are divorcing collaboratively. On average a collaborative divorce will take 3 to 6 months, whereas a litigated divorce, where you are constantly at the mercy of the court's schedule, is going to take anywhere from 18 to 24 months.
So, it's really a significant time difference. The amount of emotional trauma is minimized because you can get everything done relatively quickly and it also minimizes the cost, because the less time that attorneys spend with clients, the less fees are going to be associated with it.
To see more on this, please go to my website www.timbyhunt.com where you can learn a lot about Collaborative Divorce and divorce mediation.
Legal Issues For Same-Sex Couples
Legal Issues For Same-Sex Couples
So what happens if same-sex couples decide to split up? When they begin to cohabitate, some couples draft an agreement, like a prenuptial, in which they enter into a formal contract pertaining to their property and finances. Often these agreements contemplate the dissolution of the relationship and division of assets. Some do not draft an agreement and then end up in litigation over property and finances.
And, most importantly, what about the kids? If a legal relationship exists with the child, either as a biological parent, or through adoption, child custody and support issues are usually decided according to existing child custody laws and support statutes.
A parent seeking visitation time with a child, with whom the parent has no legal relationship, may also attempt to establish visitation, custody and/or support by petitioning the court to be recognized as a “de facto” parent. All of this however, plays out in a public forum and, in the case of custody, is played out after a custody evaluation has been completed.
Traditionally Married couples dealing with Sexual Orientation
Sometimes, it is one spouse that realizes years into a traditional marriage that he or she is homosexual. This can add a whole other dimension to traditional divorce in Bucks County (and all over Pennsylvania) that is highly traumatic for the individuals and their children.
Under the threat of litigation, gay parents are often forced by the other parent to disclose sexual orientation to children, parents, friends or business associates for fear that it will come out in court. “Outing” the individual is used as a threat to secure a better financial settlement, leaving gay or lesbian parents no choice but to disclose their sexual orientation before they are ready or their children are prepared.
Mediation and Collaborative Law Divorce
So what happens if same-sex couples decide to split up? When they begin to cohabitate, some couples draft an agreement, like a prenuptial, in which they enter into a formal contract pertaining to their property and finances. Often these agreements contemplate the dissolution of the relationship and division of assets. Some do not draft an agreement and then end up in litigation over property and finances.
And, most importantly, what about the kids? If a legal relationship exists with the child, either as a biological parent, or through adoption, child custody and support issues are usually decided according to existing child custody laws and support statutes.
A parent seeking visitation time with a child, with whom the parent has no legal relationship, may also attempt to establish visitation, custody and/or support by petitioning the court to be recognized as a “de facto” parent. All of this however, plays out in a public forum and, in the case of custody, is played out after a custody evaluation has been completed.
Traditionally Married couples dealing with Sexual Orientation
Sometimes, it is one spouse that realizes years into a traditional marriage that he or she is homosexual. This can add a whole other dimension to traditional divorce in Bucks County (and all over Pennsylvania) that is highly traumatic for the individuals and their children.
Under the threat of litigation, gay parents are often forced by the other parent to disclose sexual orientation to children, parents, friends or business associates for fear that it will come out in court. “Outing” the individual is used as a threat to secure a better financial settlement, leaving gay or lesbian parents no choice but to disclose their sexual orientation before they are ready or their children are prepared.
Mediation and Collaborative Law Divorce
Divorce mediation and Collaborative Law are both great options for same-sex couples navigating the issues of breakup, custody and property division. Married couples dealing with sexual orientation benefit as well. Mediation allows couples to navigate the process with the guidance of a neutral mediator, while simultaneously saving money, working together, and maintaining privacy.
Collaborative law allows parties to work through the separation process with a team of professionals trained in the collaborative process and other outside neutral experts, who help the parties negotiate a mutually acceptable settlement.
Collaborative law allows parties to work through the separation process with a team of professionals trained in the collaborative process and other outside neutral experts, who help the parties negotiate a mutually acceptable settlement.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Collaborative Divorce: “Don’t you see what you are doing to the kids?”
TimbyHunt - Divorcing While Keeping The Children in Tact
We added a page to my site today, but I thought it was also worth re-submitting it to Blogger as well:
I have some friends or relatives who have gone through nasty divorces and, when I talk to them about a collaborative divorce, they think it is the most ridiculous thing they have ever seen.
But even years after they litigated their divorce, they are constantly going back to court for non-support, or for change with their children’s custody schedule, or contempt, because someone’s not following the order. And it really is just an ongoing negative cycle of litigation, not to mention how much money they are spending in litigating, not only their initial divorce custody order and any support for themselves or their children, but they are litigating post-divorce:
They continually go back to court.
They continually spend money on attorneys.
And in Collaborative, while it does not sound like you could divorce somebody that you hate to the absolute core of your being, that you could sit down with them and discuss:
How to split up your assets.
What is the best way to move forward with your children (and parenting.)
How cash flow is going to work.
It just seems absolutely out of the realm of possibility…but I can tell you that people have done it successfully, and not just in far away places…in New Jersey, in Pennsylvania.
…they've done it!...and studies have shown that the amount of litigation post-divorce is almost nil. People who divorce collaboratively:
They don’t continually to go back to court.
They don’t continue to fight with each other.
They don’t continue to upset their children to the point that, when those children become adults, the only thing they remember of their parents is the constant fighting…
I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY, but it works and it is the best thing you can do for your family. bit.ly/cXgaPb
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