Children and Money after Divorce

A financial neutral can also help parents cope with different parental ideas about kids and money post-divorce.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/17/what-to-do-when-your-ex-spoils-your-child/?emc=edit_tnt_20131017&tntemail0=y&_r=0

Divorce and the Baby Boomers

In April of 2011, I wrote a piece that was picked up by the Huffington Post on why folks over age 50 should seriously consider Collaborative Divorce. Looks like divorce in that age group is on the rise.

divorce-after-50-grows-more-common

Making the Emotional Shift - Part Two

Making The Emotional Shift From SPOUSE to CO-PARENT: Part 2

by BETSY ROSS, LICSW on JULY 16, 2013

In Part 1 of this article, we examined the role feelings play as parents move through the ending of the marriage/divorce process and then beyond  into a co-parenting relationship. In this article, we will explore how to effectively make the emotional shift from spouse to ex-spouse to cooperative co-parent, in two big steps. In Step 1,  you will work to CONNECT with all of your feelings about what has happened to your marriage, about your divorce, and about your prospects for the future.  Once you have a handle on what you are experiencing emotionally and on how these feelings are impacting your life and your relationships, you can move on to Step 2 which is to begin to DISCONNECT with your ex from the emotional relationship you have had and then transition into a business partnership, for co-parenting purposes.

Step 1: Connect With Your Feelings

Before you can roll back your relationship emotionally from spouse to ex-spouse to co-parents, you will need to study and understand what is going on inside you in the feelings department. While talking with loyal and respected friends and family members can be helpful, this is most effectively accomplished with the assistance and guidance of a skillful licensed psychotherapist, mental health counselor, or family therapist. (For tips on how to choose the right therapist, seePicking Your Therapist ). These professionals are best qualified to help you ‘connect all of the dots’ to make sense of what has happened, how you got here, and explore the possibilities for moving forward.

As you learn more about what the ending of your marriage (and life as you knew it) truly means to you, you may find yourself moving into a slightly different place, emotionally. You may discover that as you learn more about yourself, about how you felt then and how you feel now, it becomes increasingly easier to avoid falling into the same old traps and negative patterns you’ve repeated before (with your ex and others, too). This happens because as we explore feelings and increase our understanding of ourselves and of what we are experiencing (i.e.-where we remain unsettled or vulnerable, where we are able to move forward and where we may seem to be stuck) the old ways of doing and thinking about things begin to lose their grip on us. Increased awareness of what’s going on for us on the inside can lead to increased freedom and a more expansive list of options to choose from regarding how we live our lives, parent, interact and react/respond to others (even with your ex). As you CONNECT with and EXPERIENCE your feelings and learn more about YOU,  in time you may feel more in charge of yourself and able to make better choices for you and for your children. This does take time and effort, but can yield extraordinary results and can be a most effective way to help yourself begin to move forward toward creating a more successful life, after divorce.

Step 2: Begin To Disconnect With Your Ex

Disconnecting with the person you have been married to and have had children with is no easy task! Then again, nothing about divorce is easy, right? But, there are certain things you can do to disconnect with each other and to begin to establish a different, more business-like relationship and approach to co-parenting.

Think about the relationships you have had with co-workers, employees, or a boss when you began a new job. Each of you acted in a polite manner, made promises and set deadlines you intended to keep, respected boundaries, and followed protocols, right? (This would apply to how you might interact with a new neighbor, teacher, or friend, too).

In a business relationship, there are certain ways that you are expected to behave and communicate and certain ways that you are not. For instance, you probably wouldn’t yell at a brand new colleague or employee, call them names,  or slam the door behind them if they didn’t understand what you were asking them to do the first time, right? Most likely (if you wanted to keep your job or your new employee) you would repeat your instructions calmly, clearly, and patiently or ask them where they might need some help in understanding you or even write things out for them.  In this way, you would be expected to take time, invest energy and put thought into making certain that your communications were clear  (perhaps customized to the particular communications style/needs of the individual you are talking with) and that there was a level of agreement and understanding between you on the process of how you were going to work together, the tasks that needed to be accomplished, what the expected outcomes might be, etc. These would, hopefully, help you both to get the job done correctly and to treat each other respectfully in the process. The same approach can work for co-parenting.

There are several important principles to keep in mind when making the shift to a business-like, co-parenting relationship with your ex. While I have outlined a few of these below, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Keep in mind that every co-parenting partnership is different and the needs of each varies. Some co-parents will need extra help, for instance, in figuring out how to respond to their different parenting styles/philosophies, to correct communication distortions on the part of one or both parents, or to tolerate the stresses and strains of persistent acting out behaviors by a child. Whatever the case for you, it can help to begin your transformation to co-parents by keeping in mind the following:

Decline All Invitations To Fight

It has been said that when you shoot an arrow at your ex, it lands in your child’s heart. This dramatic communication highlights the importance of resisting all temptations to continue fighting with your ex as it truly is detrimental to your child’s well-being (children struggle and suffer more in families where exes are perpetuating the old battles). An essential step to shifting your relationship with your ex to a respectful and business-like co-parenting one  is to make a commitment that, from this day forward, you will decline all invitations to fight. As you have taken the time to study yourself (Step 1) and are by now aware of your triggers or ‘hot buttons’ when it comes to your ex, when the invitation to fight arrives, you will have the opportunity to choose to react differently.  Even if your ex seems to be purposely trying to get a ‘rise out’ of or is baiting you, you don’t have to fall for it! Keep in mind that if you stay the course and refuse to fight, sooner or later your ex will become discouraged and just give up. This will only happen, however, if you can consistently maintain your cool and decline to engage in fighting back!

By the way, stopping yourself from fighting does not mean that you are giving in to your ex or validating their behavior or views, it simply means you are picking your battles. If this or that particular issue is important enough to you, make sure to address it (privately) as soon as possible and use talking, clarification, and negotiation as your ‘weapons’ of choice.

Maintain Clear Boundaries

Many of us need to keep our distance in order to keep our cool. No problem! Limit contact with your ex by avoiding being together physically for any length of time, if at all (especially in the beginning). Stick to very brief and very specific phone conversations, emails or texts (a few sentences long). Be business-like in how you communicate–get to the point and get off. Do not succumb to the temptation to vent your feelings, attack or unleash anger or share any other deeply held feelings. Again, remember that this is now a business relationship and try to act accordingly as you work to create new, more distant boundaries between you.

Be Consistent

This can be difficult as individuals moving through and beyond divorce feel at times that they are on an emotional roller coaster. One day they might be recalling the happier days of the marriage and want to approach their ex differently than on the days they are remembering the anger or hurt or disappointment. Again, envision this as an office relationship where you are expected to act and behave in a professional manner, no matter what you are feeling. This keeps signals clear and can help you and your ex move ahead in a predictable, reliable manner. Consistency can also help your children feel safe that  you are both dedicated to their well-being and to helping them adjust to their situation, rather than letting continued struggles distract you from good parenting.

Express Appreciation

When your co-parenting business partner meets expectations, goes the extra mile,  or otherwise surprises you, make certain to recognize this good behavior by saying “Thank You” or by otherwise taking note. It’s always important to speak up about what is going well and to reinforce good efforts or good performance. This can help you to build, step by step, a positive and productive co-parenting partnership between you.

In summary, transitioning emotionally from spouses to ‘exes’ to co-parents can help you both to engage more peacefully in the business of raising healthy children. While rolling back your relationship to a more formal, business-like arrangement is not easy and may pose difficult challenges for each of you,  it truly is do-able. It is also much healthier for your children, and what better reason is there to give it a try?

 http://betsyrosscoaching.com/

How do you go from Married to Exes to Co-Parents?

Making The Emotional Shift From SPOUSE To CO-PARENT: Part 1

by BETSY ROSS, LICSW on JUNE 26, 2013

What does it take to transition emotionally from spouses to ‘exes’ to co-parents? How can you engage peacefully in the business of raising healthy children with someone you used to be married to with all of that history between you? Rolling back your relationship to a more formal, business-like arrangement might seem impossible, but while it can be a challenging and difficult process,  it is do-able. It’s also much better for your children.

While there is no perfect “How To” on this, there are some guidelines that can help you better manage your emotions and then make the shift in your relationship to a more focused, business-like co-parenting arrangement. There are two very important steps you can take personally to set the stage for making this transition. These include: ‘Connecting With Your Feelings’ (about the ending of your marriage, your divorce, your new future, etc) and then ‘Disconnecting Emotionally With Your Ex’. (Read more about these soon in Part 2).

BEFORE you attempt to do either of these however, it’s important to understand WHY your feelings are important and HOW they might be impacting your current relationships (perhaps without you even realizing it)! This is our focus for Part 1 of this article.

Divorcing Parents Have Lots and Lots Of Feelings

As you begin this journey,  it’s especially important to consider how the feelings generated by the ending of your marriage are affecting you now. Divorcing parents are quite naturally filled with all kinds of feelings: toward each other, regarding what happened and whose fault it was, in terms of the now lost family future, etc. Some get overwhelmed by these powerful emotions (inevitable bi-products of a failed marriage), while others don’t seem to be experiencing their feelings at all. Wherever you find yourself at the moment, burning high in the emotion department or feeling pretty numb,  do know that it is essential to connect with all of your feelings to stay healthy, feel balanced, and to be able to move through and beyond divorce successfully. Left unchecked, your feelings about the situation, the demise of your marital relationship, your future, etc. can seep into and contaminate every interaction between you and your soon-to-be-ex. These can also infiltrate and negatively impact your other relationships—even your parenting relationship with your kids. Here’s why:

Unacknowledged Feelings Don’t Go Away

If you have been wondering why every time you see or even just think about your ‘Ex’ you can feel your blood pressure rising, tears coming to your eyes or a knot in your stomach, you are probably filled up with feelings that you are not fully acknowledging. For some, the opposite is occurring as you may not be feeling overwhelmed with feelings, in fact, you may not be letting yourself feel much of anything at all. This is equally problematic as just because you are not feeling your feelings doesn’t mean you don’t have them—they are in there somewhere!  Also, it actually takes energy NOT to feel your feelings (this would explain why divorcing spouses who refer to themselves as ‘numb’ also talk about feeling exhausted!) and parents need every drop of energy they’ve got to do a great job raising their kids.

Consider this: Even though you may not realize you feel defeated, angry or guilty about what has happened, others in your life probably do. In fact, odds are that your unacknowledged feelings are not only impacting your relationships, but are also affecting your energy level, sleep cycle, appetite, and also your decision making. Need proof? Ask your friends or a close family member (or your older kids) about how you have been since your divorce process started or since you found out about the affair, or since whatever it was that marked the beginning of the divorce transition for you. Chances are good that someone has (or several people in your life have) noticed changes in your mood, your outlook, or your way of responding to things that you may not even realize. Their answers and observations might surprise you.

Unexamined feelings can also wreak havoc on each of you, internally. Stomach problems, headaches/migraines, sleeplessness, fatigue, these are just some of the symptoms that can be brought on or exacerbated by unacknowledged feelings. If you are suffering from new ailments and symptoms or an increase in severity of these, it’s always worth considering the possibility that your unexamined feelings are interfering with your health. (Be sure to see your physician first to rule out possible physical causes).

Why the big fuss about feelings?

Divorcing parents are particularly vulnerable to having unacknowledged feelings interfere with individual or  family functioning as the demands of raising children can easily distract them from taking time out to reflect on, explore, and talk through what is going on feelings-wise. It’s easy not to make time to do this if the kids need to be packed up for camp, driven to and from soccer practice or toted to the supermarket, again. Yet, so many divorcing parents talk about becoming ‘surprisingly’ short tempered with their kids and not understanding why (because they feel used or rejected or terribly hurt?). Many speak of feeling exhausted all the time even though they may be getting plenty of sleep (perhaps because they feel hopeless, or helpless, or worried about the future?). Or, of  suddenly finding themselves acting out of character, such as letting a child get away with behaviors that previously would never have been tolerated (maybe because they feel guilty about selling the house, or skipping summer camp, or cancelling vacation plans and now can’t bare to say “No”?).

So, what can you do to help shift your relationship from formerly married spouses to business partners in child rearing? Stay tuned for Part 2, which focuses on how you can feel more like yourself as you work to CONNECT with all of your feelings around your situation and your divorce, and then work to DISCONNECT emotionally with your Ex.

 http://betsyrosscoaching.com/

All Aboard ! The family vacation after Divorce.

I thought I would share an article written by a Divorce and Parenting Coach on this timely topic:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalind-sedacca/family-vacations-after-di_b_3529296.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Fido, Fluffy and the Fish: Divorce and the Family Pet

In my work as a Collaborative Attorney and as a College Professor, we explore concerns of the family related to pets and divorce.  I posted a video for my students in the Spring detailing a court battle over Dexter the Pug.  I was so impressed by one student's thoughtful analysis on the issue that I thought I would feature her as a guest blogger. Enjoy!

My name is Carolann, and as “mother” to an Italian Greyhound, named Roni, I found this case to be particularly interesting.  From my internet research, I found that custody cases for companion animals (primarily within the scope of divorce proceedings) have been considered by the courts in the following 16 states: New Jersey, Tennessee, Alaska, Florida, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Connecticut, Iowa, Delaware, Texas, Arkansas, Virginia, New York, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and California, where the “Bar Association of San Francisco recently hosted a panel concerning companion animal custody disputes which was reported by A.L.D.F to discuss ways in which pet owners might avoid future custodial issues and the challenges faced in these disputes which arise from the manner in which the current laws classify pets.“ (McClain, 2009) Currently, pets in all states are considered personal property by the courts, and therefore , are eligible to be divided between the disputing parties in accordance with traditional property division laws for a marital estate.  It is only recently, that “some courts are beginning to recognize that one’s relationship with this particular form of property known as the family cat, dog, bird etc., is much different from one’s relationship with other forms of property such as your couch, your watch or your coffee pot.” (Animal Legal Defense Fund, 2012) Also worthy of consideration by today’s courts are pet custody disputes which arise within the realm of relationships outside of traditional male/female marriage which may result in joint ownership of a pet (e.g. same sex unions, common law couple relationships where no legal commitment is present, roommates, etc.) and how the dissolution of these types of relationship might impact future custody of the previously shared pet.

As I see it, the problem that exists with this type of consideration of ”companion animals as personal property” is that it disregards the emotional value that owners place upon their beloved family pets and it ignores the complex scenarios of joint pet ownership that arise out of non-traditional relationships. “The problem with pets as property is that most of us experience an emotional attachment to them that extends far beyond monetary value. “ (Junkins, 2011) In my opinion, while pets are in fact “purchased” and may be viewed as material property, the courts should also take the into account the intangible, non-financial benefits that they bring to their owner’s lives when looking to resolve custody issues, and not just their purchase price. Instead of being compared to a piece of furniture, which can be given to one of the parties and for which the other party can be financially compensated, perhaps, a companion animal might be considered in the same category as a treasured family heirloom which would represent financial worth and emotional value –a value to which a dollar amount could not be assigned. In this case, the courts might be willing to consider a shared custody arrangement between the 2 parties or minimally, a custody arrangement which would be in the best interest of the pet. Traditionally, in the case of divorce proceedings, family pets have been designated to live with the family member who will take custody of the children; however, in today’s culture where families are smaller, marriages are more fragile,  and where no children may exist in a marriage, the family pet may have replaced the role of a “human offspring.” In this case, especially, companion animals play a much greater role in a couple’s union, and it could be argued that their “value” to each member of that union is definitely greater than the purchase price of the animal. How then should the courts be handling pet custody cases, when historically the “pets as property” model has been sufficient, in response to the changing needs of society? Should companion animal custody cases be handled more like child custody cases? Or, at least, should the emotional merits that a family pet brings to its owners be factored into the equation when courts are ruling on pet custody cases vs. rendering a decision strictly based upon monetary value alone? In other words, should the courts adopt a new outlook on pet custody hearings?

Unfortunately, many of the courts today are not willing to do this, due to the overwhelming number of unresolved child custody cases which currently exist within the court system, the lack of legal precedent for pet custody cases, and the fear of being inundated with future pet custody cases which could in fact clog the court system and create an even bigger backlog than what exists today. ” Courts have also cited enforcement as a potential topic of concern, asking which agency will be responsible for monitoring (and enforcing) the arrangements, or determining whether the companion animal’s best interest will be met.“ (McClain, 2009) To date, Pennsylvania is one of the states that has held fast to the “pets as property” viewpoint and has not been open to entertaining other positions. “The guiding precedent for pet custody in Pennsylvania is known as "the Barney rule." It arose from a 2002 case, DeSanctis v. Pritchard, in which a couple had agreed in their divorce settlement to share possession of Barney, their golden retriever-Labrador mix. When the ex-wife remarried and moved away, Anthony DeSanctis went to court to enforce the agreement, arguing that the dog should be treated similarly to a child. DeSanctis lost, with the judge ruling that the dog was property, so the agreement was 'analogous in law to a visitation schedule for a table or lamp.” (Kalson, 2006) While I don’t think that the Dexter Ruling” in New Jersey which resulted in shared custody for the jointly owned common law couple (Gallagher, 2009) will single handedly change the mindset of the Pennsylvania courts, I do believe that over time, as more pet custody cases arise and as people demonstrate an increased willingness to invest great amounts of time and money to resolve their pet custody disputes, the laws of each state, including Pennsylvania, will be forced to evolve in accordance with the changing climate of society. “In a country in which we are spending over $11 billion annually on health care for companion animals, lawyers are going to see more and more animal-related issues coming to them, from tort claims against veterinarians to landlord-tenant disputes to animal custody cases.”(Tischler, 2006)  One lawyer at an Illinois law firm, Joyce O’Neill has even suggested that, instead of adding to the already overcrowded caseloads of the state courts, divorcing pet owners invoke a new form of Alternative Dispute Resolution (Miller, 2012, pg. 42) known asCollaborative Law to help settle pet custody issues. “Collaborative Law offers a non-adversarial approach to complex issues of divorce by assembling a team comprised of the parties, specially-trained attorneys, mental health professionals, and a financial advisor. The team works together to address all of the issues while prioritizing needs and goals, dealing effectively with emotions, and ultimately coming to a formal agreement that the parties are bound by.” (Craycraft, 2009) This forum for hearing and resolving pet custody disputes may provide an interim solution and even a permanent one for the increased number of pet custody disputes that are occurring in the United States. Either way, it is undeniable that the number of animal law cases, particularly as it relates to pet custody disputes is on the rise, and that these cases will present new and unique situations which will mandate a change in the current manner in which companion animals are viewed under the law. As Jonathan Rankin, a former attorney at the Boston Firm of Glickman Turley who recently left to start his own animal law firm, so aptly put it, “I am one that believes courts are always behind society. If corporations can be persons in the eyes of law, if ships can be persons in the eyes of the law, then the law should be able to figure out something for animals." (Bennett, 2007) I personally agree with Mr. Rankin’s perspective. Although adjustments to the ways in which animals are viewed in the Pennsylvania Court system may not happen overnight, the ever increasing emotional value that companion animals provide in relationships (especially non-traditional unions) will mandate a mind shift in the way pets are viewed by the courts, and will ultimately result in changes in the way pet custody disputes are resolved.

Works Cited:

Bennett, Drake. “Lawyer for the Dog.” Boston.com . The Boston Globe. (2007-2013.) Web. 11 March 2013. <<http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2007/09/09/lawyer_for_the_dog/?page=full>>

Craycraft, Andrew. “Looking Out for Spot's Interests: A New Perspective on Custody.”Sotlaw.net. The Law Offices of Shriver, O’Neill and Thompson. 2009. Web. 12 March 2013. <<http://www.sotlaw.net/5.09.htm-  shriver   >>

Gallagher, Mary Pat. “Splitting Couple Awarded Joint Possession of Pet Pug.”Law.co. Law.com and ALMA website. (2009-2013).Web. 12 March 2013. <<http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1202434029986&Splitting_Couple_Awarded_Joint_Possession_of_Pet_Pug&slreturn=20130210173533>>

Junkins, Laurie. “Pets Are the New Kids: Fighting Your Ex for Custody.”  Nakedlaw.avvo.com. NakedLaw by Avvo. (2011.) Web 10 March 2013. <<http://nakedlaw.avvo.com/divorce/pets-are-the-new-kids-fighting-your-ex-for-custody.html#ixzz2NAw8j9WI>>

Kalson, Sally. “In pet custody battles, courts treat animals as property: A legal tug of war. ”. Pittsburgh Post Gazzette. (1997-2013). Web. 11 March 2013.<>

McClain, Tabby T. “Knick-Knack, Paddy-Whack, Give the Dog a Home: Custody Determination of Companion Animals Upon Guardian Divorce.” AnimalLaw.info.Michigan State University College of Law-Animal Legal and Historic Center. ( 2009). Web. 10 Mar. 2013 <<http://www.animallaw.info/articles/dduspetcustodyindivorce.htm>>

Miller, Roger LeRoy. Fundamentals of Business Law. Mason: Cengage Learning, 2012. Print.

Tischler, Joyce and Bruce Wagner. “Lawyers Must Plan for More Pet Custody Cases. “ALDF.org. Animal Legal Defense Fund. (2012). Web. 10 March 2013 <<http://aldf.org/article.php?id=308>>

“What to do if you are involved in a custody battle over your companion animal? Pet Custody-Fighting Over Fido.” ALDF.org. Animal Legal Defense Fund. (2012). Web. 10 March 2013. <<http://aldf.org/article.php?id=239>>

Do you want a decent relationship or do you want to ruin your daughter's wedding?

 "Child support payments typically stop when a child turns 18, Arons said. "That didn't make sense for our family, for a variety of reasons," she said. "For me, it goes through college. My attorney said, 'You won't get child support through college.' But me and my ex knew what was best. I got it."  Read more http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/03/21/collaborative-divorce-alternative-court-battles/2005209/

From ‘‘I Do’’ to ‘‘I’m Done’’

New York Magazine examines the issue of gay marriage from the other side - the gay divorce.  The benefits of Collaborative Practice extend to all types of divorce - cost effective, efficient and private.

From ‘‘I Do’’ to ‘‘I’m Done’’

Bethany Frankel's "Real" Divorce

Bethany Frankel of  "Skinny Girl" and "Real Housewives" fame is getting divorced.  What struck me about her interview Wednesday on Ellen was her real and raw emotion.  She related feeling like a failure and being afraid of an uncertain future.  These are statements that I frequently hear from people contemplating or going through a divorce. Having the resources to get financial questions answered and to support you through the emotion of such a dramatic life change does help.  

Big things in Family Law in 2013

"Wouldn't we all be prouder if family law disputes were resolved by the parties involved and not by lawyers and judges who had never known the family when they got along? Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) has played an increasing role in family law. Be it mediation, arbitration, late case evaluation or collaborative law, there are many more options in 2013 than there were in 2003 or in 1993. Let's take advantage of these resources, and lets all, lawyers, judges, mediators, expert witnesses, psychologists and parties, pledge to work amicably. Court decided resolution is never as good as a result agreed to by the people involved."

Randy Kessler who was the Chair, Family Law Section of the American Bar Association (2011-2012) wrote this just the other day. Now that's something big for a career family law litigator to endorse resolution outside of court. Since January is a time of change for many families I thought I would re-post some FAQS about Collaborative.  

How long will my case take?

§  The majority of Collaborative cases are completed in eight months or less. 

How much will it cost?

§  If the Collaborative process is broken down by profession, the average cost in Bucks County for the lawyers is approximately $10,500, the average cost for the financial professional is approximately $2,500, and the average cost for the mental health professional is approximately $2,000.  This is a total cost (not cost per person) of  $15,000.  The average cost of a litigated divorce is double this amount.  The cost is determined on a case by case basis because some cases do not require use of all of these professionals.  Not surprisingly, cases involving children usually cost more than cases without children involved. 

How many meetings will I need to attend?

§  Almost all Collaborative cases involve two or three face-to-face meetings between both clients and the necessary professionals, but it is more common for cases to involve six or seven of these meetings.  On average these meetings usually last between two and three hours. 

How likely is it that my case will settle in the Collaborative process?

§  According to the findings of the IACP Research Committee, 86% of all reported Collaborative cases reached a settlement agreement on all issues.  Even in cases where the parties cannot agree on all of the issues, it is not uncommon for the parties to reach a partial Collaborative agreement. 

Working together after divorce?

Remember when the idea of working with your spouse was so ideal…you know, getting to spend the whole day working side by side building the family business?  But with many professional couples finding themselves in the midst of a divorce, how do you maintain a working relationship both in and outside of the business?

 What tools and tactics do you need to be separate but successful?  A recent New York Times article examined this http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/06/business/smallbusiness/when-couples-divorce-but-still-run-the-business-together.html?_r=1&

Adversarial and destructive behavior typical in traditional divorce  causes couples to do more damage to themselves and their children because they don't know how to deal with the sadness, loss and frustration of divorce.  Their judgment becomes clouded, personalities change, communication breaks down and they act in ways they never have before. 

A whole industry has grown out of life and business coaching services which support individuals to become the best versions of themselves. Collaborative divorce enables couples to tap in to the expertise of divorce coaches who support clients through their very worst emotional day.  They assist in problem solving and give divorcing couples emotional support which reduces the hardship and animosity. Financial professionals help them make business decisions in their divorce so the source of their livelihood can continue to thrive after the divorce.

Couples, who partner in business and in life, can continue to effectively work together as co-workers  by harnessing the post-divorce life strategies they learn through the collaborative process and leave a legacy that maintains integrity, respect and success.

A powerful look at divorce through a child's eyes.

Take a minute to view this video. There is no better way to show the need for a child specialist in divorce.  A Child specialist can:

• Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
• Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
• Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
• Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.   

In litigation the children are collateral damage. Consider Collaborative.

http://vimeo.com/49562028

The Holidays are coming - You have a choice to keep them happy with Collaborative Divorce

This can be a particularly difficult time for those contemplating or going through a divorce.  Happy memories may lead to sadness and grief over the loss of the marriage; or unhappy memories may continue to ruin holidays far into the future.  Despite the decision to divorce, all couples have some happy memories or they would not have married each other.  There was a time they loved each other.  The easier thing to do is to put all those memories in a "box" either literally or just in a far corner of  the mind.  This time of year is especially difficult for couples with children as kids remember everything! The kids may end up not wanting to recall past celebrations though because they don't want to make Mom or Dad feel bad or make them angry.  Throw in some former or soon to be former in-laws who are more than willing to bring up the bad memories and it’s a recipe for disaster. 

Couples who divorce collaboratively learn how to communicate and reach compromises with each other.  This in turn allows them to share special occasions and holidays with each other and possibly extended family without hostility.  This is not to say that the traditions stay the same, they will most likely change but, when Mom or Dad drop the children off for a holiday celebration  it doesn’t occur at the police station or at the curb where Mom has to stay in the car under court order. The parents can share a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy New Year” and the children feel secure and loved.

Financially, couples who divorce collaboratively are able to bring a financial professional to the negotiations. Financial professionals help the couple to achieve their separate future financial goals.  When couples are focused on the future, they are less likely to dwell on what brought them to divorce and allow emotion to color financial decisions. Holidays are much easier when one of the spouses doesn’t feel like he or she got the short end of the deal.

Oh and those nasty emotions – ignoring the feeling part of divorce is a recipe for long-term disaster.  Dealing with the emotions and the fears with the aid of a divorce coach helps individuals move on emotionally and they are subsequently happier with the decisions they make and the life they build post divorce.

Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible end to the family and the holiday memories; it can just as easily be a beginning of a new kind of family who can bring the happy memories from the past with them into the future.

If you are contemplating divorce or in the middle of one as the holidays approach consider reaching out to one of the professionals of the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group, http://buckscountycollaborativelaw.com/html/members.htm. For more on my practice go to www.timbyhunt.com.

Avoiding the Holiday Blues this Year.

As we continue on the fast track to the holiday season, this can be a particularly difficult time for those going through a divorce. Happy memories may lead to sadness and grief over the loss of the marriage; or unhappy memories can continue to ruin holidays far into the future.

While it may seem easiest to pack those memories in a "box”, either literally or just in a far corner of the mind, divorcing couples with children may find the “most wonderful time of the year” (as the holiday songs would like you to think,) less than “wonderful”. Some children will drag you down memory lane reminiscing the smallest of holiday details, while other kids may end up not wanting to recall past celebrations because they don't want Mom or Dad to feel badly or make them angry. Throw in some former or soon to be “former” in-laws who are more than willing to bring up the bad memories and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Couples who divorce collaboratively learn communication skills and the art of compromise which may be the best gift to both you and the kids this holiday. Collaborative divorce allows special occasions and holidays to be celebrated with each other and possibly extended family without hostility for years to come.

This is not to say that the holiday traditions stay the same. Family celebrations will most likely change, but when Mom or Dad drop the children off for a holiday gathering, it doesn’t occur at the police station or at the curb where Mom has to stay in the car under court order. The parents can express a “Merry Christmas” or share a “Happy New Year” and the children feel secure and loved.

December holidays remind us that another year is coming to a close. Couples who divorce collaboratively tap into the expertise of a financial planner while negotiating, which helps the couple to set separate future financial goals.

Couples who are focused on the future are less likely to dwell on what brought them to divorce or allow emotion to color financial decisions. Holidays are much easier when one of the spouses doesn’t feel like he or she got the short end of the deal.

Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible end to the family which robs a family of holiday memories. Couples who divorce collaboratively set their sights on the beginning of a new kind of family and bring the happy memories from the past with them into the future.

Frequently Asked Questions about Collaborative Divorce

How long will my case take?

§  The majority of Collaborative cases are completed in eight months or less. 

How much will it cost?

§  If the Collaborative process is broken down by profession, the average cost in Bucks County for the lawyers is approximately $10,500, the average cost for the financial professional is approximately $2,500, and the average cost for the mental health professional is approximately $2,000.  This is a total cost (not cost per person) of  $15,000.  The average cost of a litigated divorce is double this amount.  The cost is determined on a case by case basis because some cases do not require use of all of these professionals.  Not surprisingly, cases involving children usually cost more than cases without children involved. 

How many meetings will I need to attend?

§  Almost all Collaborative cases involve two or three face-to-face meetings between both clients and the necessary professionals, but it is more common for cases to involve six or seven of these meetings.  On average these meetings usually last between two and three hours. 

How likely is it that my case will settle in the Collaborative process?

§  According to the findings of the IACP Research Committee, 86% of all reported Collaborative cases reached a settlement agreement on all issues.  Even in cases where the parties cannot agree on all of the issues, it is not uncommon for the parties to reach a partial Collaborative agreement. 

Using Financial Professionals in Divorce

Listen to my colleague Paul Murray talk about the benefit of using a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst during the divorce process.  

Are you struggling with the decision to seperate or divorce?

             For two years now my practice has been devoted to Divorce Mediation and Collaborative divorce.  For twelve years prior to that I was engaged in the practice of divorce litigation.   During my litigation years I never realized, or maybe I didn’t need to acknowledge, that everyone going through a divorce is gripped by fear.  Fear that the decision to divorce isn’t the right one; fear that the kids will be irreparably harmed; fear that family and friends will abandon them or think so much less of them for having divorced; fear that they won’t have enough money.  Any change is scary and anxiety ridden but divorce is on a whole other level.  It is a decision that effects not only the couple but every aspect of the life they have come to know.  Often times,  just changing that facebook status to “separated” redefines a person. 

                One of the things I always tell clients who come in for information about divorce is that it’s a decision they need to be sure of when they make it, especially if they have children.  It’s not a process to start without trying to save your marriage.  The best thing for children is the traditional family.     Often however, clients have already tried everything to work things out with their spouse and are left with the difficult decision to divorce.  Gathering information about the options for divorce is the next step.  Typically, each spouse hires a lawyer who strategizes and maps out the moves to “win” custody of the children, maximize or minimize support payments  and  take the larger share of the couples assets.  It is emotionally and financially expensive, takes an average of two years to complete and leaves the couple and the children with very little control over decisions.   The fear of the impact of the divorce is compounded by the lack of control over their own lives.

Dealing with the loss of a marriage and the fear of the future requires a comprehensive approach -  Collaborative divorce.  This process typically takes 6-9 months and costs about one-third of the typical divorce.  This process is centered on the goals of each spouse.  The first step in the process is to find an attorney who recognizes how hard divorce really is an is trained and experienced in working with conflict resolution.  Resources such as the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group are very helpful in identifying  attorneys who are dedicated to Collaborative.  Sometimes clients get referrals from counselors or their churches or synagogues.  Call a few Collaborative attorneys, meet with them and evaluate them in terms of how committed they are to helping you reach your post-divorce goals not how interested they are in getting you as a client.   

Focusing on where you want your life to go and what your goals are for the future are important steps in restructuring your life and calming those fears.  In Collaborative, appropriate professionals are used along with the attorneys so clients have the knowledge needed to make rational, thoughtful decisions.  Financial advisors can project what each spouses retirement will look like in 10, 15, 20 years, child specialists help parents make the transition through divorce easier on the children  and assist the children with their own thoughts and emotions and divorce coaches break the barriers of anxiety, anger and grief that can prevent couples from making decisions and coming to agreements.  Once you have a Collaborative attorney you feel you can work with,  you need to talk to your spouse about working Collaboratively.  Your attorney can provide you with written information to share with your spouse.  Usually, even couples who are absolutely at odds with each other, can agree on trying to minimize the adverse effect of divorce on their children – start the conversation there.  In addition to being better for children, highlight for your spouse the reduced cost of the Collaborative process and the ability to move it along at a pace that is right for the family.  Most people do not really want to give $25, $50 or even $100,000 to divorce lawyers.  Finally, the information exchanged in Collaborative meetings is private.  The family will not have to testify in a courtroom which is open to the public.  

Five years after the Divorce they are still fighting. Don't let this be you.

The relationship of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook is a prime example of why the words litigation and family should never be used in the same sentence.  If you are considering divorce please investigate Collaborative divorce and all it has to offer for your family.www.timbyhunt.com

Litigation or Collaborative?

Over the last two years I have had the opportunity to meet with many couples who truly want to divorce amicably but they don't know how.  They do know that most of the people they talk to went the traditional divorce route with each hiring a divorce litigator.  They also know that most divorces end up in an agreement.  What they don't realize is the financial and emotional cost of divorce litigation.  The chart below gives a comparison of Litigation to Collaborative:

Collaborative Law Comparison

LITIGATION	COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE LAW
A "win at all cost" system pits lawyer against lawyer, husband against wife.	Husbands and wives, assisted by trained attorneys, reach a settlement with minimal antagonism.
Continuing conflict aggravates existing painful emotions.	The use of a divorce coach and a structured and controlled setting encourages trust and objectivity in the negotiations.
Legal costs soar.	Legal costs can be contained.
As the conflict escalates, children suffer.	Parties can protect children's feelings and interests.
Confidential financial and personal matters become public record and open to scrutiny.	Since there are no public hearings, confidentiality is more easily maintained.
A judge divides property and establishes custodial provisions using standards that may not meet families' particular needs.	Attorneys and spouses can craft more creative property agreements and parenting arrangements.
Negotiations all too often take place in crowded courthouses under intense pressure.	Negotiations occur in a neutral environment and on a timetable agreed upon by the parties.
Proceedings may be prolonged.	Agreements can be reached more efficiently.
Most of the cases settle, but only after damage has been done and substantial costs have been incurred.	Parties agree to settle at the outset, in a process conducive to helping them heal and move forward

Phoenix and Beyond

I registered for the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Institute with great enthusiasm because they were offering a session on Training the Trainer.  It was a one day seminar in  Phoenix, Arizona. Five plus hours on a plane to learn about training others in collaborative practice I thought was well worth it.  As with all seminars or conferences I attend, I register because the content resonates with me months in advance and as the day of departure approaches I begin to think  about all of the everyday issues that should prevent me from going - work I  will miss, kids that will miss me, the long airplane flight that, quite frankly, scares me.  But I go and I bring great shoes;and in great shoes there is confidence.  What I find when I arrive in Phoenix is that my hair is suddenly curly, my lips incredibly dry and I have this undying thirst both literally and figuratively. I am embarking on a journey to find my peeps, those who understand me and whose work speaks to me.  Curly hair, dry lips, good shoes - I am here to announce myself as a Collaborative Professional unabashedly and to promote my practice group its in pure and developing self.  In true Collaborative fashion, I am well received, my meeting with the Executive Director goes very well.  I connect later that first day with the President of a highly successful practice group not far from Bucks County.  We make a plans for her to speak to my practice group and hash about ideas for team building. She is gracious and welcoming at lunch on Friday and texts me to meet for breakfast before my training on Saturday. The training I attend includes one of the founders of  IACP, a seasoned IACP attorney and immediate past president and a financial professional who is authentic and inspiring in her role as financial neutral.  As in many trainings or seminars, there is a connection with other participants and we exchange ideas and problems and troubleshoot to aid each other in the being the best we can be in the collaborative process.  The energy is infectious and the surge of  enthusiasm undeniable.  There are about 75 participants at the Institute and everyone is approachable with minimal effort.  I end the weekend with a dinner which includes a Collaborative lawyer from Indianapolis, the current president of a successful practice group, one of the founders of  IACP and the past president. Amazingly, these folks all take my restaurant suggestion!  It was an empowering experience to be there in the desert, on my own, graciously making the Bucks County Collaborative Law group's presence known - of course, in great shoes.