Are you struggling with the decision to seperate or divorce?

             For two years now my practice has been devoted to Divorce Mediation and Collaborative divorce.  For twelve years prior to that I was engaged in the practice of divorce litigation.   During my litigation years I never realized, or maybe I didn’t need to acknowledge, that everyone going through a divorce is gripped by fear.  Fear that the decision to divorce isn’t the right one; fear that the kids will be irreparably harmed; fear that family and friends will abandon them or think so much less of them for having divorced; fear that they won’t have enough money.  Any change is scary and anxiety ridden but divorce is on a whole other level.  It is a decision that effects not only the couple but every aspect of the life they have come to know.  Often times,  just changing that facebook status to “separated” redefines a person. 

                One of the things I always tell clients who come in for information about divorce is that it’s a decision they need to be sure of when they make it, especially if they have children.  It’s not a process to start without trying to save your marriage.  The best thing for children is the traditional family.     Often however, clients have already tried everything to work things out with their spouse and are left with the difficult decision to divorce.  Gathering information about the options for divorce is the next step.  Typically, each spouse hires a lawyer who strategizes and maps out the moves to “win” custody of the children, maximize or minimize support payments  and  take the larger share of the couples assets.  It is emotionally and financially expensive, takes an average of two years to complete and leaves the couple and the children with very little control over decisions.   The fear of the impact of the divorce is compounded by the lack of control over their own lives.

Dealing with the loss of a marriage and the fear of the future requires a comprehensive approach -  Collaborative divorce.  This process typically takes 6-9 months and costs about one-third of the typical divorce.  This process is centered on the goals of each spouse.  The first step in the process is to find an attorney who recognizes how hard divorce really is an is trained and experienced in working with conflict resolution.  Resources such as the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group are very helpful in identifying  attorneys who are dedicated to Collaborative.  Sometimes clients get referrals from counselors or their churches or synagogues.  Call a few Collaborative attorneys, meet with them and evaluate them in terms of how committed they are to helping you reach your post-divorce goals not how interested they are in getting you as a client.   

Focusing on where you want your life to go and what your goals are for the future are important steps in restructuring your life and calming those fears.  In Collaborative, appropriate professionals are used along with the attorneys so clients have the knowledge needed to make rational, thoughtful decisions.  Financial advisors can project what each spouses retirement will look like in 10, 15, 20 years, child specialists help parents make the transition through divorce easier on the children  and assist the children with their own thoughts and emotions and divorce coaches break the barriers of anxiety, anger and grief that can prevent couples from making decisions and coming to agreements.  Once you have a Collaborative attorney you feel you can work with,  you need to talk to your spouse about working Collaboratively.  Your attorney can provide you with written information to share with your spouse.  Usually, even couples who are absolutely at odds with each other, can agree on trying to minimize the adverse effect of divorce on their children – start the conversation there.  In addition to being better for children, highlight for your spouse the reduced cost of the Collaborative process and the ability to move it along at a pace that is right for the family.  Most people do not really want to give $25, $50 or even $100,000 to divorce lawyers.  Finally, the information exchanged in Collaborative meetings is private.  The family will not have to testify in a courtroom which is open to the public.