Do you want a decent relationship or do you want to ruin your daughter's wedding?

 "Child support payments typically stop when a child turns 18, Arons said. "That didn't make sense for our family, for a variety of reasons," she said. "For me, it goes through college. My attorney said, 'You won't get child support through college.' But me and my ex knew what was best. I got it."  Read more http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/03/21/collaborative-divorce-alternative-court-battles/2005209/

From ‘‘I Do’’ to ‘‘I’m Done’’

New York Magazine examines the issue of gay marriage from the other side - the gay divorce.  The benefits of Collaborative Practice extend to all types of divorce - cost effective, efficient and private.

From ‘‘I Do’’ to ‘‘I’m Done’’

Bethany Frankel's "Real" Divorce

Bethany Frankel of  "Skinny Girl" and "Real Housewives" fame is getting divorced.  What struck me about her interview Wednesday on Ellen was her real and raw emotion.  She related feeling like a failure and being afraid of an uncertain future.  These are statements that I frequently hear from people contemplating or going through a divorce. Having the resources to get financial questions answered and to support you through the emotion of such a dramatic life change does help.  

Big things in Family Law in 2013

"Wouldn't we all be prouder if family law disputes were resolved by the parties involved and not by lawyers and judges who had never known the family when they got along? Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) has played an increasing role in family law. Be it mediation, arbitration, late case evaluation or collaborative law, there are many more options in 2013 than there were in 2003 or in 1993. Let's take advantage of these resources, and lets all, lawyers, judges, mediators, expert witnesses, psychologists and parties, pledge to work amicably. Court decided resolution is never as good as a result agreed to by the people involved."

Randy Kessler who was the Chair, Family Law Section of the American Bar Association (2011-2012) wrote this just the other day. Now that's something big for a career family law litigator to endorse resolution outside of court. Since January is a time of change for many families I thought I would re-post some FAQS about Collaborative.  

How long will my case take?

§  The majority of Collaborative cases are completed in eight months or less. 

How much will it cost?

§  If the Collaborative process is broken down by profession, the average cost in Bucks County for the lawyers is approximately $10,500, the average cost for the financial professional is approximately $2,500, and the average cost for the mental health professional is approximately $2,000.  This is a total cost (not cost per person) of  $15,000.  The average cost of a litigated divorce is double this amount.  The cost is determined on a case by case basis because some cases do not require use of all of these professionals.  Not surprisingly, cases involving children usually cost more than cases without children involved. 

How many meetings will I need to attend?

§  Almost all Collaborative cases involve two or three face-to-face meetings between both clients and the necessary professionals, but it is more common for cases to involve six or seven of these meetings.  On average these meetings usually last between two and three hours. 

How likely is it that my case will settle in the Collaborative process?

§  According to the findings of the IACP Research Committee, 86% of all reported Collaborative cases reached a settlement agreement on all issues.  Even in cases where the parties cannot agree on all of the issues, it is not uncommon for the parties to reach a partial Collaborative agreement. 

Working together after divorce?

Remember when the idea of working with your spouse was so ideal…you know, getting to spend the whole day working side by side building the family business?  But with many professional couples finding themselves in the midst of a divorce, how do you maintain a working relationship both in and outside of the business?

 What tools and tactics do you need to be separate but successful?  A recent New York Times article examined this http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/06/business/smallbusiness/when-couples-divorce-but-still-run-the-business-together.html?_r=1&

Adversarial and destructive behavior typical in traditional divorce  causes couples to do more damage to themselves and their children because they don't know how to deal with the sadness, loss and frustration of divorce.  Their judgment becomes clouded, personalities change, communication breaks down and they act in ways they never have before. 

A whole industry has grown out of life and business coaching services which support individuals to become the best versions of themselves. Collaborative divorce enables couples to tap in to the expertise of divorce coaches who support clients through their very worst emotional day.  They assist in problem solving and give divorcing couples emotional support which reduces the hardship and animosity. Financial professionals help them make business decisions in their divorce so the source of their livelihood can continue to thrive after the divorce.

Couples, who partner in business and in life, can continue to effectively work together as co-workers  by harnessing the post-divorce life strategies they learn through the collaborative process and leave a legacy that maintains integrity, respect and success.

A powerful look at divorce through a child's eyes.

Take a minute to view this video. There is no better way to show the need for a child specialist in divorce.  A Child specialist can:

• Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
• Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
• Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
• Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.   

In litigation the children are collateral damage. Consider Collaborative.

http://vimeo.com/49562028

The Holidays are coming - You have a choice to keep them happy with Collaborative Divorce

This can be a particularly difficult time for those contemplating or going through a divorce.  Happy memories may lead to sadness and grief over the loss of the marriage; or unhappy memories may continue to ruin holidays far into the future.  Despite the decision to divorce, all couples have some happy memories or they would not have married each other.  There was a time they loved each other.  The easier thing to do is to put all those memories in a "box" either literally or just in a far corner of  the mind.  This time of year is especially difficult for couples with children as kids remember everything! The kids may end up not wanting to recall past celebrations though because they don't want to make Mom or Dad feel bad or make them angry.  Throw in some former or soon to be former in-laws who are more than willing to bring up the bad memories and it’s a recipe for disaster. 

Couples who divorce collaboratively learn how to communicate and reach compromises with each other.  This in turn allows them to share special occasions and holidays with each other and possibly extended family without hostility.  This is not to say that the traditions stay the same, they will most likely change but, when Mom or Dad drop the children off for a holiday celebration  it doesn’t occur at the police station or at the curb where Mom has to stay in the car under court order. The parents can share a “Merry Christmas” or a “Happy New Year” and the children feel secure and loved.

Financially, couples who divorce collaboratively are able to bring a financial professional to the negotiations. Financial professionals help the couple to achieve their separate future financial goals.  When couples are focused on the future, they are less likely to dwell on what brought them to divorce and allow emotion to color financial decisions. Holidays are much easier when one of the spouses doesn’t feel like he or she got the short end of the deal.

Oh and those nasty emotions – ignoring the feeling part of divorce is a recipe for long-term disaster.  Dealing with the emotions and the fears with the aid of a divorce coach helps individuals move on emotionally and they are subsequently happier with the decisions they make and the life they build post divorce.

Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible end to the family and the holiday memories; it can just as easily be a beginning of a new kind of family who can bring the happy memories from the past with them into the future.

If you are contemplating divorce or in the middle of one as the holidays approach consider reaching out to one of the professionals of the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group, http://buckscountycollaborativelaw.com/html/members.htm. For more on my practice go to www.timbyhunt.com.