Using Financial Professionals in Divorce

Listen to my colleague Paul Murray talk about the benefit of using a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst during the divorce process.  

Are you struggling with the decision to seperate or divorce?

             For two years now my practice has been devoted to Divorce Mediation and Collaborative divorce.  For twelve years prior to that I was engaged in the practice of divorce litigation.   During my litigation years I never realized, or maybe I didn’t need to acknowledge, that everyone going through a divorce is gripped by fear.  Fear that the decision to divorce isn’t the right one; fear that the kids will be irreparably harmed; fear that family and friends will abandon them or think so much less of them for having divorced; fear that they won’t have enough money.  Any change is scary and anxiety ridden but divorce is on a whole other level.  It is a decision that effects not only the couple but every aspect of the life they have come to know.  Often times,  just changing that facebook status to “separated” redefines a person. 

                One of the things I always tell clients who come in for information about divorce is that it’s a decision they need to be sure of when they make it, especially if they have children.  It’s not a process to start without trying to save your marriage.  The best thing for children is the traditional family.     Often however, clients have already tried everything to work things out with their spouse and are left with the difficult decision to divorce.  Gathering information about the options for divorce is the next step.  Typically, each spouse hires a lawyer who strategizes and maps out the moves to “win” custody of the children, maximize or minimize support payments  and  take the larger share of the couples assets.  It is emotionally and financially expensive, takes an average of two years to complete and leaves the couple and the children with very little control over decisions.   The fear of the impact of the divorce is compounded by the lack of control over their own lives.

Dealing with the loss of a marriage and the fear of the future requires a comprehensive approach -  Collaborative divorce.  This process typically takes 6-9 months and costs about one-third of the typical divorce.  This process is centered on the goals of each spouse.  The first step in the process is to find an attorney who recognizes how hard divorce really is an is trained and experienced in working with conflict resolution.  Resources such as the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group are very helpful in identifying  attorneys who are dedicated to Collaborative.  Sometimes clients get referrals from counselors or their churches or synagogues.  Call a few Collaborative attorneys, meet with them and evaluate them in terms of how committed they are to helping you reach your post-divorce goals not how interested they are in getting you as a client.   

Focusing on where you want your life to go and what your goals are for the future are important steps in restructuring your life and calming those fears.  In Collaborative, appropriate professionals are used along with the attorneys so clients have the knowledge needed to make rational, thoughtful decisions.  Financial advisors can project what each spouses retirement will look like in 10, 15, 20 years, child specialists help parents make the transition through divorce easier on the children  and assist the children with their own thoughts and emotions and divorce coaches break the barriers of anxiety, anger and grief that can prevent couples from making decisions and coming to agreements.  Once you have a Collaborative attorney you feel you can work with,  you need to talk to your spouse about working Collaboratively.  Your attorney can provide you with written information to share with your spouse.  Usually, even couples who are absolutely at odds with each other, can agree on trying to minimize the adverse effect of divorce on their children – start the conversation there.  In addition to being better for children, highlight for your spouse the reduced cost of the Collaborative process and the ability to move it along at a pace that is right for the family.  Most people do not really want to give $25, $50 or even $100,000 to divorce lawyers.  Finally, the information exchanged in Collaborative meetings is private.  The family will not have to testify in a courtroom which is open to the public.  

Five years after the Divorce they are still fighting. Don't let this be you.

The relationship of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook is a prime example of why the words litigation and family should never be used in the same sentence.  If you are considering divorce please investigate Collaborative divorce and all it has to offer for your family.www.timbyhunt.com

Litigation or Collaborative?

Over the last two years I have had the opportunity to meet with many couples who truly want to divorce amicably but they don't know how.  They do know that most of the people they talk to went the traditional divorce route with each hiring a divorce litigator.  They also know that most divorces end up in an agreement.  What they don't realize is the financial and emotional cost of divorce litigation.  The chart below gives a comparison of Litigation to Collaborative:

Collaborative Law Comparison

LITIGATION	COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE LAW
A "win at all cost" system pits lawyer against lawyer, husband against wife.	Husbands and wives, assisted by trained attorneys, reach a settlement with minimal antagonism.
Continuing conflict aggravates existing painful emotions.	The use of a divorce coach and a structured and controlled setting encourages trust and objectivity in the negotiations.
Legal costs soar.	Legal costs can be contained.
As the conflict escalates, children suffer.	Parties can protect children's feelings and interests.
Confidential financial and personal matters become public record and open to scrutiny.	Since there are no public hearings, confidentiality is more easily maintained.
A judge divides property and establishes custodial provisions using standards that may not meet families' particular needs.	Attorneys and spouses can craft more creative property agreements and parenting arrangements.
Negotiations all too often take place in crowded courthouses under intense pressure.	Negotiations occur in a neutral environment and on a timetable agreed upon by the parties.
Proceedings may be prolonged.	Agreements can be reached more efficiently.
Most of the cases settle, but only after damage has been done and substantial costs have been incurred.	Parties agree to settle at the outset, in a process conducive to helping them heal and move forward

Phoenix and Beyond

I registered for the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Institute with great enthusiasm because they were offering a session on Training the Trainer.  It was a one day seminar in  Phoenix, Arizona. Five plus hours on a plane to learn about training others in collaborative practice I thought was well worth it.  As with all seminars or conferences I attend, I register because the content resonates with me months in advance and as the day of departure approaches I begin to think  about all of the everyday issues that should prevent me from going - work I  will miss, kids that will miss me, the long airplane flight that, quite frankly, scares me.  But I go and I bring great shoes;and in great shoes there is confidence.  What I find when I arrive in Phoenix is that my hair is suddenly curly, my lips incredibly dry and I have this undying thirst both literally and figuratively. I am embarking on a journey to find my peeps, those who understand me and whose work speaks to me.  Curly hair, dry lips, good shoes - I am here to announce myself as a Collaborative Professional unabashedly and to promote my practice group its in pure and developing self.  In true Collaborative fashion, I am well received, my meeting with the Executive Director goes very well.  I connect later that first day with the President of a highly successful practice group not far from Bucks County.  We make a plans for her to speak to my practice group and hash about ideas for team building. She is gracious and welcoming at lunch on Friday and texts me to meet for breakfast before my training on Saturday. The training I attend includes one of the founders of  IACP, a seasoned IACP attorney and immediate past president and a financial professional who is authentic and inspiring in her role as financial neutral.  As in many trainings or seminars, there is a connection with other participants and we exchange ideas and problems and troubleshoot to aid each other in the being the best we can be in the collaborative process.  The energy is infectious and the surge of  enthusiasm undeniable.  There are about 75 participants at the Institute and everyone is approachable with minimal effort.  I end the weekend with a dinner which includes a Collaborative lawyer from Indianapolis, the current president of a successful practice group, one of the founders of  IACP and the past president. Amazingly, these folks all take my restaurant suggestion!  It was an empowering experience to be there in the desert, on my own, graciously making the Bucks County Collaborative Law group's presence known - of course, in great shoes.

Tax Time is right around the corner......

If you are separated and still living in a jointly owned home here are some tax implications you should consider:

http://www.collablawtexas.com/blog/2012/02/what-divorcing-couples-should-know-about-irs-publication-504/

Stuck in the Middle

On a recent episode of the CBS sitcom, Mike and Molly, Mike is caught in the middle between his divorced parents when making up the guest list for his wedding. One of the worst legacies divorcing couples can leave for their children is the feeling of being pulled apart. Check it out: Mike's stuck in the Middle

 Since I changed my practice and started talking to people about considering the impact of a nasty divorce on children, I have been amazed at how many adults remember when they were told their parents were divorcing. Many remember where they were, who was around and if the announcement meant a family event was cancelled.  Most often, the news was delivered in the context of an argument between their Mom and Dad.  They either overheard it or it was revealed in anger.  One of the professionals I believe is critical in the divorce process is the Coach. One type of coach is a child specialist.

A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.

 

A Child Specialist can:

• Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
• Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
• Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
• Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.   

No parent wants to intentionally cause angst for their child. Don't let your child be the one stuck in the middle.