Litigation or Collaborative?

Over the last two years I have had the opportunity to meet with many couples who truly want to divorce amicably but they don't know how.  They do know that most of the people they talk to went the traditional divorce route with each hiring a divorce litigator.  They also know that most divorces end up in an agreement.  What they don't realize is the financial and emotional cost of divorce litigation.  The chart below gives a comparison of Litigation to Collaborative:

Collaborative Law Comparison

LITIGATION	COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE LAW
A "win at all cost" system pits lawyer against lawyer, husband against wife.	Husbands and wives, assisted by trained attorneys, reach a settlement with minimal antagonism.
Continuing conflict aggravates existing painful emotions.	The use of a divorce coach and a structured and controlled setting encourages trust and objectivity in the negotiations.
Legal costs soar.	Legal costs can be contained.
As the conflict escalates, children suffer.	Parties can protect children's feelings and interests.
Confidential financial and personal matters become public record and open to scrutiny.	Since there are no public hearings, confidentiality is more easily maintained.
A judge divides property and establishes custodial provisions using standards that may not meet families' particular needs.	Attorneys and spouses can craft more creative property agreements and parenting arrangements.
Negotiations all too often take place in crowded courthouses under intense pressure.	Negotiations occur in a neutral environment and on a timetable agreed upon by the parties.
Proceedings may be prolonged.	Agreements can be reached more efficiently.
Most of the cases settle, but only after damage has been done and substantial costs have been incurred.	Parties agree to settle at the outset, in a process conducive to helping them heal and move forward

Phoenix and Beyond

I registered for the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals Institute with great enthusiasm because they were offering a session on Training the Trainer.  It was a one day seminar in  Phoenix, Arizona. Five plus hours on a plane to learn about training others in collaborative practice I thought was well worth it.  As with all seminars or conferences I attend, I register because the content resonates with me months in advance and as the day of departure approaches I begin to think  about all of the everyday issues that should prevent me from going - work I  will miss, kids that will miss me, the long airplane flight that, quite frankly, scares me.  But I go and I bring great shoes;and in great shoes there is confidence.  What I find when I arrive in Phoenix is that my hair is suddenly curly, my lips incredibly dry and I have this undying thirst both literally and figuratively. I am embarking on a journey to find my peeps, those who understand me and whose work speaks to me.  Curly hair, dry lips, good shoes - I am here to announce myself as a Collaborative Professional unabashedly and to promote my practice group its in pure and developing self.  In true Collaborative fashion, I am well received, my meeting with the Executive Director goes very well.  I connect later that first day with the President of a highly successful practice group not far from Bucks County.  We make a plans for her to speak to my practice group and hash about ideas for team building. She is gracious and welcoming at lunch on Friday and texts me to meet for breakfast before my training on Saturday. The training I attend includes one of the founders of  IACP, a seasoned IACP attorney and immediate past president and a financial professional who is authentic and inspiring in her role as financial neutral.  As in many trainings or seminars, there is a connection with other participants and we exchange ideas and problems and troubleshoot to aid each other in the being the best we can be in the collaborative process.  The energy is infectious and the surge of  enthusiasm undeniable.  There are about 75 participants at the Institute and everyone is approachable with minimal effort.  I end the weekend with a dinner which includes a Collaborative lawyer from Indianapolis, the current president of a successful practice group, one of the founders of  IACP and the past president. Amazingly, these folks all take my restaurant suggestion!  It was an empowering experience to be there in the desert, on my own, graciously making the Bucks County Collaborative Law group's presence known - of course, in great shoes.

Tax Time is right around the corner......

If you are separated and still living in a jointly owned home here are some tax implications you should consider:

http://www.collablawtexas.com/blog/2012/02/what-divorcing-couples-should-know-about-irs-publication-504/

Stuck in the Middle

On a recent episode of the CBS sitcom, Mike and Molly, Mike is caught in the middle between his divorced parents when making up the guest list for his wedding. One of the worst legacies divorcing couples can leave for their children is the feeling of being pulled apart. Check it out: Mike's stuck in the Middle

 Since I changed my practice and started talking to people about considering the impact of a nasty divorce on children, I have been amazed at how many adults remember when they were told their parents were divorcing. Many remember where they were, who was around and if the announcement meant a family event was cancelled.  Most often, the news was delivered in the context of an argument between their Mom and Dad.  They either overheard it or it was revealed in anger.  One of the professionals I believe is critical in the divorce process is the Coach. One type of coach is a child specialist.

A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.

 

A Child Specialist can:

• Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
• Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
• Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
• Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.   

No parent wants to intentionally cause angst for their child. Don't let your child be the one stuck in the middle.

66% of second marriages fail. What steps can you take to avoid being a statistic?

Mostly everyone is aware that 50% of first marriages end in divorce but I was surprised by the Today show story this week highlighting the 66% failure rate of second marriages.  The experts interviewed on the Today show spoke to the fact that usually second marriages succumb to the challenges of integrating families or introducing a step-parent.  Just like adults, children have very strong emotions surrounding the divorce of their parents.  Many often hold on to the hope that their parents will reconcile someday. When one or both of the parents re-marry the challenge is on in many cases.  The stress of Mom dealing with step-mom or Dad dealing with step-dad is incredible if the adults do not know how to communicate.  Check out the video:

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

7 things to watch out for when looking for a Collaborative Attorney

Collaborative Law is an option for every divorcing couple. But that’s only one of a few important facts your confrontational attorney is likely to leave out in your initial interview.

• An expertise in Collaborative Law is achieved through specialized training which includes mediation training. Divorce litigators hungry for your business will tell you they can "collaborate", they don't need training.  They can't and you will be on the path to litigation.

• Traditional divorce can increase the risk of interpersonal problems for children.
• There is a financial incentive for traditional divorce lawyers to fuel the fire.
• Couples get more “bang for the buck” in a collaborative divorce.
• 83% of divorce clients say they would approach the process differently if they could.
• Most divorces don’t go to trial. Which means many dollars your attorney charges you for trial prep is a waste.
• The average case managed by a TimbyHunt Collaboative attorney costs less than traditional litigated divorce.

Headed for a divorce? A team of child specialists, divorce coaches, and collaborative attorneys explain how collaborative divorce may be the right alternative to litigation for you.