Stuck in the Middle

On a recent episode of the CBS sitcom, Mike and Molly, Mike is caught in the middle between his divorced parents when making up the guest list for his wedding. One of the worst legacies divorcing couples can leave for their children is the feeling of being pulled apart. Check it out: Mike's stuck in the Middle

 Since I changed my practice and started talking to people about considering the impact of a nasty divorce on children, I have been amazed at how many adults remember when they were told their parents were divorcing. Many remember where they were, who was around and if the announcement meant a family event was cancelled.  Most often, the news was delivered in the context of an argument between their Mom and Dad.  They either overheard it or it was revealed in anger.  One of the professionals I believe is critical in the divorce process is the Coach. One type of coach is a child specialist.

A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.

 

A Child Specialist can:

• Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
• Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
• Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
• Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.   

No parent wants to intentionally cause angst for their child. Don't let your child be the one stuck in the middle.

66% of second marriages fail. What steps can you take to avoid being a statistic?

Mostly everyone is aware that 50% of first marriages end in divorce but I was surprised by the Today show story this week highlighting the 66% failure rate of second marriages.  The experts interviewed on the Today show spoke to the fact that usually second marriages succumb to the challenges of integrating families or introducing a step-parent.  Just like adults, children have very strong emotions surrounding the divorce of their parents.  Many often hold on to the hope that their parents will reconcile someday. When one or both of the parents re-marry the challenge is on in many cases.  The stress of Mom dealing with step-mom or Dad dealing with step-dad is incredible if the adults do not know how to communicate.  Check out the video:

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7 things to watch out for when looking for a Collaborative Attorney

Collaborative Law is an option for every divorcing couple. But that’s only one of a few important facts your confrontational attorney is likely to leave out in your initial interview.

• An expertise in Collaborative Law is achieved through specialized training which includes mediation training. Divorce litigators hungry for your business will tell you they can "collaborate", they don't need training.  They can't and you will be on the path to litigation.

• Traditional divorce can increase the risk of interpersonal problems for children.
• There is a financial incentive for traditional divorce lawyers to fuel the fire.
• Couples get more “bang for the buck” in a collaborative divorce.
• 83% of divorce clients say they would approach the process differently if they could.
• Most divorces don’t go to trial. Which means many dollars your attorney charges you for trial prep is a waste.
• The average case managed by a TimbyHunt Collaboative attorney costs less than traditional litigated divorce.

Headed for a divorce? A team of child specialists, divorce coaches, and collaborative attorneys explain how collaborative divorce may be the right alternative to litigation for you.

Breakup, Wrath and Fury: Headed for Divorce and the Holidays

Within the last month, Bucks County residents were riveted to news of the wrath and rumbling of an earthquake, the fury of Hurricane Irene and yes, the breakup of J.Lo and Marc Anthony as well as Hollywood couple, Will and Jada Smith. All this and Halloween is on the horizon. Can it get any scarier?


As we continue on the fast track to the holiday season, this can be a particularly difficult time for those going through a divorce. Happy memories may lead to sadness and grief over the loss of the marriage; or unhappy memories can continue to ruin holidays far into the future.

While it may seem easiest to pack those memories in a "box”, either literally or just in a far corner of the mind, divorcing couples with children may find the “most wonderful time of the year” (as the holiday songs would like you to think,) less than “wonderful”. Some children will drag you down memory lane reminiscing the smallest of holiday details, while other kids may end up not wanting to recall past celebrations because they don't want Mom or Dad to feel badly or make them angry. Throw in some former or soon to be “former” in-laws who are more than willing to bring up the bad memories and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Couples who divorce collaboratively learn communication skills and the art of compromise which may be the best gift to both you and the kids this holiday. Collaborative divorce allows special occasions and holidays to be celebrated with each other and possibly extended family without hostility for years to come.

This is not to say that the holiday traditions stay the same. Family celebrations will most likely change, but when Mom or Dad drop the children off for a holiday gathering, it doesn’t occur at the police station or at the curb where Mom has to stay in the car under court order. The parents can express a “Merry Christmas” or share a “Happy New Year” and the children feel secure and loved.

December holidays remind us that another year is coming to a close. Couples who divorce collaboratively tap into the expertise of a financial planner while negotiating, which helps the couple to set separate future financial goals.

Couples who are focused on the future are less likely to dwell on what brought them to divorce or allow emotion to color financial decisions. Holidays are much easier when one of the spouses doesn’t feel like he or she got the short end of the deal.

Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible end to the family which robs a family of holiday memories. Couples who divorce collaboratively set their sights on the beginning of a new kind of family and bring the happy memories from the past with them into the future.

Divorce: The Business of Life Redux

Working together after divorce?

Remember when the idea of working with your spouse was so ideal…you know, getting to spend the whole day working side by side building the family business?  But with many professional couples finding themselves in the midst of a divorce, how do you maintain a working relationship both in and outside of the business?

 What tools and tactics do you need to be separate but successful?  A recent New York Times article examined this http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/06/business/smallbusiness/when-couples-divorce-but-still-run-the-business-together.html?_r=1&

Adversarial and destructive behavior typical in traditional divorce  causes couples to do more damage to themselves and their children because they don't know how to deal with the sadness, loss and frustration of divorce.  Their judgment becomes clouded, personalities change, communication breaks down and they act in ways they never have before. 

A whole industry has grown out of life and business coaching services which support individuals to become the best versions of themselves. Collaborative divorce enables couples to tap in to the expertise of divorce coaches who support clients through their very worst emotional day.  They assist in problem solving and give divorcing couples emotional support which reduces the hardship and animosity. Financial professionals help them make business decisions in their divorce so the source of their livelihood can continue to thrive after the divorce.

Couples, who partner in business and in life, can continue to effectively work together as co-workers  by harnessing the post-divorce life strategies they learn through the collaborative process and leave a legacy that maintains integrity, respect and success.

Divorce - School of Thought

During my tenure as a Bucks County Collaborative Divorce Attorney, I have packed up the office at the end of the week, and smiled, not just because it was Friday, but because I had played a role in lessening the sting of divorce for children and their parents. Last week however, my legal assistant relayed a story that has stayed with me, reminding me of how ugly the world of traditional divorce can be even after it is litigated. I share it here, in her words.


I love my car rides to school with my 21 month old son every morning. It is our true “mommy and me” time when we share lively conversation and our love for music. We particularly enjoy Disney classics, newly discovered worship music and (I hate to admit it) a heavy dose of Justin Bieber. We sing and laugh in our bubble of solitude as we journey to his well staffed, well heeled daycare/summer camp. One morning last week, however, my bubble was burst.


As we arrived at his school, I immediately noticed an unfamiliar gentleman crossing from the adjacent parking lot and beginning to run towards a parked car and a startled child. I am always very aware being the overprotective mom ready to kick-box any pedophile, kidnapper or bully in the area. The car was parked right ahead of us so I could not help but hear some bits of the conversation that transpired between the child and what turned out to be his dad. The father was apparently very upset as he told the child, “I was supposed to pick you up this morning.” Because of our close proximity, it was impossible to miss the look on the young boy’s face.


He was about eleven or twelve and what I saw on the child’s face was unmistakable and familiar for anyone who has ever been that age. It was pure embarrassment.


Assessing that there was no physical danger pending, I turned my attention away from the first boy and noticed a second younger child with their mother who was signaling the school administrator to phone the police. An argument then ensued between the parents which escalated and covered such topics as whose visitation time it was, who worked and who didn’t and for what level of compensation, whose money paid for what and so on.


I made it indoors with my son, who thankfully at 21 months old is totally oblivious of such things and was still singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. I emerged to the sight of two local patrol cars and statements being provided by the mother and school officials. The father had since left the scene. The school was put on “immediate lock-down” with all students accounted for and returned to classrooms with heightened teacher supervision.


As a legal assistant at the Bucks County Law Practice of Timby Hunt, one would think I would be immune to such things. But I am not. I felt the pain of those children, of that mother and even of that dad who felt he had been slighted. He later called back to the school to apologize, since the mother it appears was in the right with respect to their custodial agreement. However, what I really felt was a pain and anxiety for myself, my child and all the others who through no fault of our own had our bubbles burst that morning.


My heart raced as I promised myself, once again, that I would never subject my child to something so heinous. In this world where people are often quick to decide they don’t want to be spouses anymore, we can’t take such a flippant view of parenthood. I imagined the permanent damage that could have been done to those boys had they witnessed their father being loaded into a patrol car. Later as I drove to work I imagined the possibility, however remote, that the enraged father might return to the school where my son now innocently played.


The plain truth is divorce is a modern reality that when done poorly can be ugly and destructive. The further truth is that the destruction is not only to the parties involved, but to their children, their neighbors and the community as a whole. Luckily my littlest member of the community at large came home just fine and slept peacefully with images of water bubblers in his head. Hopefully a kinder, gentler form of the Collaborative Divorce process will take root in his lifetime. In the meantime we’ll settle for a peaceful drop-off tomorrow with Justin Bieber on the radio.