Friday, September 23, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Breakup, Wrath and Fury: Headed for Divorce and the Holidays
Within the last month, Bucks County residents were riveted to news of the wrath and rumbling of an earthquake, the fury of Hurricane Irene and yes, the breakup of J.Lo and Marc Anthony as well as Hollywood couple, Will and Jada Smith. All this and Halloween is on the horizon. Can it get any scarier?
As we continue on the fast track to the holiday season, this can be a particularly difficult time for those going through a divorce. Happy memories may lead to sadness and grief over the loss of the marriage; or unhappy memories can continue to ruin holidays far into the future.
While it may seem easiest to pack those memories in a "box”, either literally or just in a far corner of the mind, divorcing couples with children may find the “most wonderful time of the year” (as the holiday songs would like you to think,) less than “wonderful”. Some children will drag you down memory lane reminiscing the smallest of holiday details, while other kids may end up not wanting to recall past celebrations because they don't want Mom or Dad to feel badly or make them angry. Throw in some former or soon to be “former” in-laws who are more than willing to bring up the bad memories and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Couples who divorce collaboratively learn communication skills and the art of compromise which may be the best gift to both you and the kids this holiday. Collaborative divorce allows special occasions and holidays to be celebrated with each other and possibly extended family without hostility for years to come.
This is not to say that the holiday traditions stay the same. Family celebrations will most likely change, but when Mom or Dad drop the children off for a holiday gathering, it doesn’t occur at the police station or at the curb where Mom has to stay in the car under court order. The parents can express a “Merry Christmas” or share a “Happy New Year” and the children feel secure and loved.
December holidays remind us that another year is coming to a close. Couples who divorce collaboratively tap into the expertise of a financial planner while negotiating, which helps the couple to set separate future financial goals.
Couples who are focused on the future are less likely to dwell on what brought them to divorce or allow emotion to color financial decisions. Holidays are much easier when one of the spouses doesn’t feel like he or she got the short end of the deal.
Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible end to the family which robs a family of holiday memories. Couples who divorce collaboratively set their sights on the beginning of a new kind of family and bring the happy memories from the past with them into the future.
As we continue on the fast track to the holiday season, this can be a particularly difficult time for those going through a divorce. Happy memories may lead to sadness and grief over the loss of the marriage; or unhappy memories can continue to ruin holidays far into the future.
While it may seem easiest to pack those memories in a "box”, either literally or just in a far corner of the mind, divorcing couples with children may find the “most wonderful time of the year” (as the holiday songs would like you to think,) less than “wonderful”. Some children will drag you down memory lane reminiscing the smallest of holiday details, while other kids may end up not wanting to recall past celebrations because they don't want Mom or Dad to feel badly or make them angry. Throw in some former or soon to be “former” in-laws who are more than willing to bring up the bad memories and it’s a recipe for disaster.
Couples who divorce collaboratively learn communication skills and the art of compromise which may be the best gift to both you and the kids this holiday. Collaborative divorce allows special occasions and holidays to be celebrated with each other and possibly extended family without hostility for years to come.
This is not to say that the holiday traditions stay the same. Family celebrations will most likely change, but when Mom or Dad drop the children off for a holiday gathering, it doesn’t occur at the police station or at the curb where Mom has to stay in the car under court order. The parents can express a “Merry Christmas” or share a “Happy New Year” and the children feel secure and loved.
December holidays remind us that another year is coming to a close. Couples who divorce collaboratively tap into the expertise of a financial planner while negotiating, which helps the couple to set separate future financial goals.
Couples who are focused on the future are less likely to dwell on what brought them to divorce or allow emotion to color financial decisions. Holidays are much easier when one of the spouses doesn’t feel like he or she got the short end of the deal.
Divorce doesn't have to be a terrible end to the family which robs a family of holiday memories. Couples who divorce collaboratively set their sights on the beginning of a new kind of family and bring the happy memories from the past with them into the future.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Divorce: The Business of Life Redux
Working together after divorce?
Remember when the idea of working with your spouse was so ideal…you know, getting to spend the whole day working side by side building the family business? But with many professional couples finding themselves in the midst of a divorce, how do you maintain a working relationship both in and outside of the business?
What tools and tactics do you need to be separate but successful? A recent New York Times article examined this http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/06/business/smallbusiness/when-couples-divorce-but-still-run-the-business-together.html?_r=1&
Adversarial and destructive behavior typical in traditional divorce causes couples to do more damage to themselves and their children because they don't know how to deal with the sadness, loss and frustration of divorce. Their judgment becomes clouded, personalities change, communication breaks down and they act in ways they never have before.
A whole industry has grown out of life and business coaching services which support individuals to become the best versions of themselves. Collaborative divorce enables couples to tap in to the expertise of divorce coaches who support clients through their very worst emotional day. They assist in problem solving and give divorcing couples emotional support which reduces the hardship and animosity. Financial professionals help them make business decisions in their divorce so the source of their livelihood can continue to thrive after the divorce.
Couples, who partner in business and in life, can continue to effectively work together as co-workers by harnessing the post-divorce life strategies they learn through the collaborative process and leave a legacy that maintains integrity, respect and success.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Divorce - School of Thought
During my tenure as a Bucks County Collaborative Divorce Attorney, I have packed up the office at the end of the week, and smiled, not just because it was Friday, but because I had played a role in lessening the sting of divorce for children and their parents. Last week however, my legal assistant relayed a story that has stayed with me, reminding me of how ugly the world of traditional divorce can be even after it is litigated. I share it here, in her words.
I love my car rides to school with my 21 month old son every morning. It is our true “mommy and me” time when we share lively conversation and our love for music. We particularly enjoy Disney classics, newly discovered worship music and (I hate to admit it) a heavy dose of Justin Bieber. We sing and laugh in our bubble of solitude as we journey to his well staffed, well heeled daycare/summer camp. One morning last week, however, my bubble was burst.
As we arrived at his school, I immediately noticed an unfamiliar gentleman crossing from the adjacent parking lot and beginning to run towards a parked car and a startled child. I am always very aware being the overprotective mom ready to kick-box any pedophile, kidnapper or bully in the area. The car was parked right ahead of us so I could not help but hear some bits of the conversation that transpired between the child and what turned out to be his dad. The father was apparently very upset as he told the child, “I was supposed to pick you up this morning.” Because of our close proximity, it was impossible to miss the look on the young boy’s face.
He was about eleven or twelve and what I saw on the child’s face was unmistakable and familiar for anyone who has ever been that age. It was pure embarrassment.
Assessing that there was no physical danger pending, I turned my attention away from the first boy and noticed a second younger child with their mother who was signaling the school administrator to phone the police. An argument then ensued between the parents which escalated and covered such topics as whose visitation time it was, who worked and who didn’t and for what level of compensation, whose money paid for what and so on.
I made it indoors with my son, who thankfully at 21 months old is totally oblivious of such things and was still singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. I emerged to the sight of two local patrol cars and statements being provided by the mother and school officials. The father had since left the scene. The school was put on “immediate lock-down” with all students accounted for and returned to classrooms with heightened teacher supervision.
As a legal assistant at the Bucks County Law Practice of Timby Hunt, one would think I would be immune to such things. But I am not. I felt the pain of those children, of that mother and even of that dad who felt he had been slighted. He later called back to the school to apologize, since the mother it appears was in the right with respect to their custodial agreement. However, what I really felt was a pain and anxiety for myself, my child and all the others who through no fault of our own had our bubbles burst that morning.
My heart raced as I promised myself, once again, that I would never subject my child to something so heinous. In this world where people are often quick to decide they don’t want to be spouses anymore, we can’t take such a flippant view of parenthood. I imagined the permanent damage that could have been done to those boys had they witnessed their father being loaded into a patrol car. Later as I drove to work I imagined the possibility, however remote, that the enraged father might return to the school where my son now innocently played.
The plain truth is divorce is a modern reality that when done poorly can be ugly and destructive. The further truth is that the destruction is not only to the parties involved, but to their children, their neighbors and the community as a whole. Luckily my littlest member of the community at large came home just fine and slept peacefully with images of water bubblers in his head. Hopefully a kinder, gentler form of the Collaborative Divorce process will take root in his lifetime. In the meantime we’ll settle for a peaceful drop-off tomorrow with Justin Bieber on the radio.
I love my car rides to school with my 21 month old son every morning. It is our true “mommy and me” time when we share lively conversation and our love for music. We particularly enjoy Disney classics, newly discovered worship music and (I hate to admit it) a heavy dose of Justin Bieber. We sing and laugh in our bubble of solitude as we journey to his well staffed, well heeled daycare/summer camp. One morning last week, however, my bubble was burst.
As we arrived at his school, I immediately noticed an unfamiliar gentleman crossing from the adjacent parking lot and beginning to run towards a parked car and a startled child. I am always very aware being the overprotective mom ready to kick-box any pedophile, kidnapper or bully in the area. The car was parked right ahead of us so I could not help but hear some bits of the conversation that transpired between the child and what turned out to be his dad. The father was apparently very upset as he told the child, “I was supposed to pick you up this morning.” Because of our close proximity, it was impossible to miss the look on the young boy’s face.
He was about eleven or twelve and what I saw on the child’s face was unmistakable and familiar for anyone who has ever been that age. It was pure embarrassment.
Assessing that there was no physical danger pending, I turned my attention away from the first boy and noticed a second younger child with their mother who was signaling the school administrator to phone the police. An argument then ensued between the parents which escalated and covered such topics as whose visitation time it was, who worked and who didn’t and for what level of compensation, whose money paid for what and so on.
I made it indoors with my son, who thankfully at 21 months old is totally oblivious of such things and was still singing Itsy Bitsy Spider. I emerged to the sight of two local patrol cars and statements being provided by the mother and school officials. The father had since left the scene. The school was put on “immediate lock-down” with all students accounted for and returned to classrooms with heightened teacher supervision.
As a legal assistant at the Bucks County Law Practice of Timby Hunt, one would think I would be immune to such things. But I am not. I felt the pain of those children, of that mother and even of that dad who felt he had been slighted. He later called back to the school to apologize, since the mother it appears was in the right with respect to their custodial agreement. However, what I really felt was a pain and anxiety for myself, my child and all the others who through no fault of our own had our bubbles burst that morning.
My heart raced as I promised myself, once again, that I would never subject my child to something so heinous. In this world where people are often quick to decide they don’t want to be spouses anymore, we can’t take such a flippant view of parenthood. I imagined the permanent damage that could have been done to those boys had they witnessed their father being loaded into a patrol car. Later as I drove to work I imagined the possibility, however remote, that the enraged father might return to the school where my son now innocently played.
The plain truth is divorce is a modern reality that when done poorly can be ugly and destructive. The further truth is that the destruction is not only to the parties involved, but to their children, their neighbors and the community as a whole. Luckily my littlest member of the community at large came home just fine and slept peacefully with images of water bubblers in his head. Hopefully a kinder, gentler form of the Collaborative Divorce process will take root in his lifetime. In the meantime we’ll settle for a peaceful drop-off tomorrow with Justin Bieber on the radio.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Leveling the Playing Field: Lessons of Bankruptcy and Divorce
the owners’ divorce proceedings.
While Los Angeles Dodgers Administration and its sports agenda plays out on the West Coast, the story holds insight for Southeastern Pennsylvania divorce cases. Bucks County couples experiencing the stress of an impending divorce, along with financial insolvency, may attempt to mitigate their financial difficulties in any kind of property settlement negotiation. Often times however, that can lead to the unintended consequence of losing property that might otherwise be preserved for the after-marriage portion of life.
Under certain circumstances, filing a joint bankruptcy petition prior to the divorce can determine the financial responsibilities that remain after the divorce degree is issued, as well as, preserve the property acquired during the marriage to greatest extent permissible under the law.
During the collaborative divorce proceedings, couples can meet with a financial planner to see if a joint bankruptcy filing is the best course of action before a divorce is final. A divorce court, however, will not order a couple to file bankruptcy opting instead to just split up the debt between the parties.
While bankruptcy is not usually the first choice of divorcing couples, for some it can prove to be the right option especially in this economy. If the parties are in a small business, bankruptcy can protect business assets and income for the support of the children.
Contrary to popular belief, a bankruptcy filing does not offset anyone’s obligation to pay for alimony or child support, nor does it affect property division as these are not dischargeable obligations.
Another myth I hear is that if someone files bankruptcy they will lose everything they own. Nothing could be further from the truth. Under a joint bankruptcy petition couples can improve their ability to exempt certain property from the reach of their creditors. The net effect is to provide each person with as much property as possible for the post-divorce phase of life.
In my experience, the overwhelming numbers of financially strapped people are not on the brink of bankruptcy because they are unwilling to pay their financial responsibilities, but rather because they are unable to. Usually the reason for the inability to pay is because either there was an unexpected loss of income or because of unexpected and uncovered medical expenses. Sometimes it is because of both.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Role of the Child Specialist in Collaborative
Since Timby Hunt works with very important people in the Collaborative process, we thought it would be great to have some of them write a new page for the website from time to time. So, leading off, here is a short page written by Erin Tighe von Zuben, Ph.D, who is a child psychologist:
In essence, the child specialist is a neutral party whose primary responsibility is bringing children's needs into clear focus in a way that informs decisions and choices made by the parents that affect their children’s lives. The child specialist is not a therapist, and remains focused on seeking the best decisions for the interest of the children involved as they relate to the family’s divorce. Their role is not treatment but fact gathering, recommendation development, and advocacy within the team.
The child specialist is a licensed mental health professional with special expertise in helping families through a divorce. They serve as a neutral consultant to families and children going through divorce, and in essence, represent and advocates for the best interest the children and adolescents involved.
A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.
A Child Specialist can:
215-906-0588
Offices in Doylestown and Yardley
The Role of the Child Specialist as Part of the Collaborative Divorce Process
The collaborative divorce process gives children a clear "voice". As part of this process, the role of the child specialist is designed to accurately identify, frame, and support these voices so that they are appropriately represented and addressed.
In essence, the child specialist is a neutral party whose primary responsibility is bringing children's needs into clear focus in a way that informs decisions and choices made by the parents that affect their children’s lives. The child specialist is not a therapist, and remains focused on seeking the best decisions for the interest of the children involved as they relate to the family’s divorce. Their role is not treatment but fact gathering, recommendation development, and advocacy within the team.
The child specialist is a licensed mental health professional with special expertise in helping families through a divorce. They serve as a neutral consultant to families and children going through divorce, and in essence, represent and advocates for the best interest the children and adolescents involved.
A child specialist will often meet with parents in an effort to better understand their concerns about their child(ren) and about co-parenting with the other parent. A child specialist also meets with children as a way to gauge their responses and needs as part of the divorce process.
A Child Specialist can:
- Provide children with the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns and regarding the divorce.
- Offer parents guidance, education, and assistance in facilitating parenting decisions
- Help parents recognize and address the emotional and psychological states and needs of children during this difficult time.
- Assist in constructing a developmentally-appropriate and child-centered parenting plan.
- Assess and prepare an appropriate list of child-centered recommendations to be given to the team for the purposes of incorporating them into the divorce agreement.
215-906-0588
Offices in Doylestown and Yardley
Arnold and Maria...How It Probably Occurred
Reports yesterday morning told the story of the separation of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger after 25 years of marriage. She's 55 and he's 63 and their children are 14, 18, 20 and 21. In their joint statement they focused on the children - "We are continuing to parent our four children together," they said. "They are the light and the center of both of our lives."
More and more couples in long term marriages are considering separation and divorce. There is a focus on a new part of their life - a transition.
Maria Shriver did a video post on this at the end of March. Watch her short video here.
The reason for the timing of the announcement is the subject of much speculation. In my experience though, couples who have made the difficult decision to divorce often want to use the summer months to transition their children. The older Shriver/Schwarzenegger children are likely finishing up their Spring semesters at college while the younger one is just about to the end of his school year.
The first step in the Collaborative process is to find an attorney who is trained and experienced in working with conflict resolution. Resources such as the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals and the Bucks County Collaborative Law Group are very helpful in identifying attorneys who are dedicated to Collaborative.
Sometimes clients get referrals from counselors or their churches or synagogues. Call a few Collaborative attorneys (or call me); meet with them and then evaluate them in terms of how committed they are to helping you transition to your post-divorce life, not how interested they are in winning the case for you. Winning the case only gets you so far. Focusing on where you want your life to go and what your goals are for the future are important steps in restructuring your life.
In Collaborative, appropriate professionals are used along with attorneys so clients have the knowledge needed to make rational, thoughtful decisions. Financial advisors can project what each spouses retirement will look like in 10, 15, 20 years. Child specialists help the children with their thoughts and emotions and divorce coaches break the barriers of anxiety, anger and grief that can prevent couples from making decisions and coming to agreements.
Once you have a Collaborative attorney you feel you can work with, you need to talk to your spouse about working Collaboratively. Your attorney can provide you with written information to share with your spouse. Usually, even couples who are absolutely at odds with each other, can agree on trying to minimize the adverse effect of divorce on their children.
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