Children and Money after Divorce

A financial neutral can also help parents cope with different parental ideas about kids and money post-divorce.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/17/what-to-do-when-your-ex-spoils-your-child/?emc=edit_tnt_20131017&tntemail0=y&_r=0

Divorce and the Baby Boomers

In April of 2011, I wrote a piece that was picked up by the Huffington Post on why folks over age 50 should seriously consider Collaborative Divorce. Looks like divorce in that age group is on the rise.

divorce-after-50-grows-more-common

Making the Emotional Shift - Part Two

Making The Emotional Shift From SPOUSE to CO-PARENT: Part 2

by BETSY ROSS, LICSW on JULY 16, 2013

In Part 1 of this article, we examined the role feelings play as parents move through the ending of the marriage/divorce process and then beyond  into a co-parenting relationship. In this article, we will explore how to effectively make the emotional shift from spouse to ex-spouse to cooperative co-parent, in two big steps. In Step 1,  you will work to CONNECT with all of your feelings about what has happened to your marriage, about your divorce, and about your prospects for the future.  Once you have a handle on what you are experiencing emotionally and on how these feelings are impacting your life and your relationships, you can move on to Step 2 which is to begin to DISCONNECT with your ex from the emotional relationship you have had and then transition into a business partnership, for co-parenting purposes.

Step 1: Connect With Your Feelings

Before you can roll back your relationship emotionally from spouse to ex-spouse to co-parents, you will need to study and understand what is going on inside you in the feelings department. While talking with loyal and respected friends and family members can be helpful, this is most effectively accomplished with the assistance and guidance of a skillful licensed psychotherapist, mental health counselor, or family therapist. (For tips on how to choose the right therapist, seePicking Your Therapist ). These professionals are best qualified to help you ‘connect all of the dots’ to make sense of what has happened, how you got here, and explore the possibilities for moving forward.

As you learn more about what the ending of your marriage (and life as you knew it) truly means to you, you may find yourself moving into a slightly different place, emotionally. You may discover that as you learn more about yourself, about how you felt then and how you feel now, it becomes increasingly easier to avoid falling into the same old traps and negative patterns you’ve repeated before (with your ex and others, too). This happens because as we explore feelings and increase our understanding of ourselves and of what we are experiencing (i.e.-where we remain unsettled or vulnerable, where we are able to move forward and where we may seem to be stuck) the old ways of doing and thinking about things begin to lose their grip on us. Increased awareness of what’s going on for us on the inside can lead to increased freedom and a more expansive list of options to choose from regarding how we live our lives, parent, interact and react/respond to others (even with your ex). As you CONNECT with and EXPERIENCE your feelings and learn more about YOU,  in time you may feel more in charge of yourself and able to make better choices for you and for your children. This does take time and effort, but can yield extraordinary results and can be a most effective way to help yourself begin to move forward toward creating a more successful life, after divorce.

Step 2: Begin To Disconnect With Your Ex

Disconnecting with the person you have been married to and have had children with is no easy task! Then again, nothing about divorce is easy, right? But, there are certain things you can do to disconnect with each other and to begin to establish a different, more business-like relationship and approach to co-parenting.

Think about the relationships you have had with co-workers, employees, or a boss when you began a new job. Each of you acted in a polite manner, made promises and set deadlines you intended to keep, respected boundaries, and followed protocols, right? (This would apply to how you might interact with a new neighbor, teacher, or friend, too).

In a business relationship, there are certain ways that you are expected to behave and communicate and certain ways that you are not. For instance, you probably wouldn’t yell at a brand new colleague or employee, call them names,  or slam the door behind them if they didn’t understand what you were asking them to do the first time, right? Most likely (if you wanted to keep your job or your new employee) you would repeat your instructions calmly, clearly, and patiently or ask them where they might need some help in understanding you or even write things out for them.  In this way, you would be expected to take time, invest energy and put thought into making certain that your communications were clear  (perhaps customized to the particular communications style/needs of the individual you are talking with) and that there was a level of agreement and understanding between you on the process of how you were going to work together, the tasks that needed to be accomplished, what the expected outcomes might be, etc. These would, hopefully, help you both to get the job done correctly and to treat each other respectfully in the process. The same approach can work for co-parenting.

There are several important principles to keep in mind when making the shift to a business-like, co-parenting relationship with your ex. While I have outlined a few of these below, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Keep in mind that every co-parenting partnership is different and the needs of each varies. Some co-parents will need extra help, for instance, in figuring out how to respond to their different parenting styles/philosophies, to correct communication distortions on the part of one or both parents, or to tolerate the stresses and strains of persistent acting out behaviors by a child. Whatever the case for you, it can help to begin your transformation to co-parents by keeping in mind the following:

Decline All Invitations To Fight

It has been said that when you shoot an arrow at your ex, it lands in your child’s heart. This dramatic communication highlights the importance of resisting all temptations to continue fighting with your ex as it truly is detrimental to your child’s well-being (children struggle and suffer more in families where exes are perpetuating the old battles). An essential step to shifting your relationship with your ex to a respectful and business-like co-parenting one  is to make a commitment that, from this day forward, you will decline all invitations to fight. As you have taken the time to study yourself (Step 1) and are by now aware of your triggers or ‘hot buttons’ when it comes to your ex, when the invitation to fight arrives, you will have the opportunity to choose to react differently.  Even if your ex seems to be purposely trying to get a ‘rise out’ of or is baiting you, you don’t have to fall for it! Keep in mind that if you stay the course and refuse to fight, sooner or later your ex will become discouraged and just give up. This will only happen, however, if you can consistently maintain your cool and decline to engage in fighting back!

By the way, stopping yourself from fighting does not mean that you are giving in to your ex or validating their behavior or views, it simply means you are picking your battles. If this or that particular issue is important enough to you, make sure to address it (privately) as soon as possible and use talking, clarification, and negotiation as your ‘weapons’ of choice.

Maintain Clear Boundaries

Many of us need to keep our distance in order to keep our cool. No problem! Limit contact with your ex by avoiding being together physically for any length of time, if at all (especially in the beginning). Stick to very brief and very specific phone conversations, emails or texts (a few sentences long). Be business-like in how you communicate–get to the point and get off. Do not succumb to the temptation to vent your feelings, attack or unleash anger or share any other deeply held feelings. Again, remember that this is now a business relationship and try to act accordingly as you work to create new, more distant boundaries between you.

Be Consistent

This can be difficult as individuals moving through and beyond divorce feel at times that they are on an emotional roller coaster. One day they might be recalling the happier days of the marriage and want to approach their ex differently than on the days they are remembering the anger or hurt or disappointment. Again, envision this as an office relationship where you are expected to act and behave in a professional manner, no matter what you are feeling. This keeps signals clear and can help you and your ex move ahead in a predictable, reliable manner. Consistency can also help your children feel safe that  you are both dedicated to their well-being and to helping them adjust to their situation, rather than letting continued struggles distract you from good parenting.

Express Appreciation

When your co-parenting business partner meets expectations, goes the extra mile,  or otherwise surprises you, make certain to recognize this good behavior by saying “Thank You” or by otherwise taking note. It’s always important to speak up about what is going well and to reinforce good efforts or good performance. This can help you to build, step by step, a positive and productive co-parenting partnership between you.

In summary, transitioning emotionally from spouses to ‘exes’ to co-parents can help you both to engage more peacefully in the business of raising healthy children. While rolling back your relationship to a more formal, business-like arrangement is not easy and may pose difficult challenges for each of you,  it truly is do-able. It is also much healthier for your children, and what better reason is there to give it a try?

 http://betsyrosscoaching.com/

How do you go from Married to Exes to Co-Parents?

Making The Emotional Shift From SPOUSE To CO-PARENT: Part 1

by BETSY ROSS, LICSW on JUNE 26, 2013

What does it take to transition emotionally from spouses to ‘exes’ to co-parents? How can you engage peacefully in the business of raising healthy children with someone you used to be married to with all of that history between you? Rolling back your relationship to a more formal, business-like arrangement might seem impossible, but while it can be a challenging and difficult process,  it is do-able. It’s also much better for your children.

While there is no perfect “How To” on this, there are some guidelines that can help you better manage your emotions and then make the shift in your relationship to a more focused, business-like co-parenting arrangement. There are two very important steps you can take personally to set the stage for making this transition. These include: ‘Connecting With Your Feelings’ (about the ending of your marriage, your divorce, your new future, etc) and then ‘Disconnecting Emotionally With Your Ex’. (Read more about these soon in Part 2).

BEFORE you attempt to do either of these however, it’s important to understand WHY your feelings are important and HOW they might be impacting your current relationships (perhaps without you even realizing it)! This is our focus for Part 1 of this article.

Divorcing Parents Have Lots and Lots Of Feelings

As you begin this journey,  it’s especially important to consider how the feelings generated by the ending of your marriage are affecting you now. Divorcing parents are quite naturally filled with all kinds of feelings: toward each other, regarding what happened and whose fault it was, in terms of the now lost family future, etc. Some get overwhelmed by these powerful emotions (inevitable bi-products of a failed marriage), while others don’t seem to be experiencing their feelings at all. Wherever you find yourself at the moment, burning high in the emotion department or feeling pretty numb,  do know that it is essential to connect with all of your feelings to stay healthy, feel balanced, and to be able to move through and beyond divorce successfully. Left unchecked, your feelings about the situation, the demise of your marital relationship, your future, etc. can seep into and contaminate every interaction between you and your soon-to-be-ex. These can also infiltrate and negatively impact your other relationships—even your parenting relationship with your kids. Here’s why:

Unacknowledged Feelings Don’t Go Away

If you have been wondering why every time you see or even just think about your ‘Ex’ you can feel your blood pressure rising, tears coming to your eyes or a knot in your stomach, you are probably filled up with feelings that you are not fully acknowledging. For some, the opposite is occurring as you may not be feeling overwhelmed with feelings, in fact, you may not be letting yourself feel much of anything at all. This is equally problematic as just because you are not feeling your feelings doesn’t mean you don’t have them—they are in there somewhere!  Also, it actually takes energy NOT to feel your feelings (this would explain why divorcing spouses who refer to themselves as ‘numb’ also talk about feeling exhausted!) and parents need every drop of energy they’ve got to do a great job raising their kids.

Consider this: Even though you may not realize you feel defeated, angry or guilty about what has happened, others in your life probably do. In fact, odds are that your unacknowledged feelings are not only impacting your relationships, but are also affecting your energy level, sleep cycle, appetite, and also your decision making. Need proof? Ask your friends or a close family member (or your older kids) about how you have been since your divorce process started or since you found out about the affair, or since whatever it was that marked the beginning of the divorce transition for you. Chances are good that someone has (or several people in your life have) noticed changes in your mood, your outlook, or your way of responding to things that you may not even realize. Their answers and observations might surprise you.

Unexamined feelings can also wreak havoc on each of you, internally. Stomach problems, headaches/migraines, sleeplessness, fatigue, these are just some of the symptoms that can be brought on or exacerbated by unacknowledged feelings. If you are suffering from new ailments and symptoms or an increase in severity of these, it’s always worth considering the possibility that your unexamined feelings are interfering with your health. (Be sure to see your physician first to rule out possible physical causes).

Why the big fuss about feelings?

Divorcing parents are particularly vulnerable to having unacknowledged feelings interfere with individual or  family functioning as the demands of raising children can easily distract them from taking time out to reflect on, explore, and talk through what is going on feelings-wise. It’s easy not to make time to do this if the kids need to be packed up for camp, driven to and from soccer practice or toted to the supermarket, again. Yet, so many divorcing parents talk about becoming ‘surprisingly’ short tempered with their kids and not understanding why (because they feel used or rejected or terribly hurt?). Many speak of feeling exhausted all the time even though they may be getting plenty of sleep (perhaps because they feel hopeless, or helpless, or worried about the future?). Or, of  suddenly finding themselves acting out of character, such as letting a child get away with behaviors that previously would never have been tolerated (maybe because they feel guilty about selling the house, or skipping summer camp, or cancelling vacation plans and now can’t bare to say “No”?).

So, what can you do to help shift your relationship from formerly married spouses to business partners in child rearing? Stay tuned for Part 2, which focuses on how you can feel more like yourself as you work to CONNECT with all of your feelings around your situation and your divorce, and then work to DISCONNECT emotionally with your Ex.

 http://betsyrosscoaching.com/

All Aboard ! The family vacation after Divorce.

I thought I would share an article written by a Divorce and Parenting Coach on this timely topic:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalind-sedacca/family-vacations-after-di_b_3529296.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

Fido, Fluffy and the Fish: Divorce and the Family Pet

In my work as a Collaborative Attorney and as a College Professor, we explore concerns of the family related to pets and divorce.  I posted a video for my students in the Spring detailing a court battle over Dexter the Pug.  I was so impressed by one student's thoughtful analysis on the issue that I thought I would feature her as a guest blogger. Enjoy!

My name is Carolann, and as “mother” to an Italian Greyhound, named Roni, I found this case to be particularly interesting.  From my internet research, I found that custody cases for companion animals (primarily within the scope of divorce proceedings) have been considered by the courts in the following 16 states: New Jersey, Tennessee, Alaska, Florida, New Hampshire, Minnesota, Connecticut, Iowa, Delaware, Texas, Arkansas, Virginia, New York, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and California, where the “Bar Association of San Francisco recently hosted a panel concerning companion animal custody disputes which was reported by A.L.D.F to discuss ways in which pet owners might avoid future custodial issues and the challenges faced in these disputes which arise from the manner in which the current laws classify pets.“ (McClain, 2009) Currently, pets in all states are considered personal property by the courts, and therefore , are eligible to be divided between the disputing parties in accordance with traditional property division laws for a marital estate.  It is only recently, that “some courts are beginning to recognize that one’s relationship with this particular form of property known as the family cat, dog, bird etc., is much different from one’s relationship with other forms of property such as your couch, your watch or your coffee pot.” (Animal Legal Defense Fund, 2012) Also worthy of consideration by today’s courts are pet custody disputes which arise within the realm of relationships outside of traditional male/female marriage which may result in joint ownership of a pet (e.g. same sex unions, common law couple relationships where no legal commitment is present, roommates, etc.) and how the dissolution of these types of relationship might impact future custody of the previously shared pet.

As I see it, the problem that exists with this type of consideration of ”companion animals as personal property” is that it disregards the emotional value that owners place upon their beloved family pets and it ignores the complex scenarios of joint pet ownership that arise out of non-traditional relationships. “The problem with pets as property is that most of us experience an emotional attachment to them that extends far beyond monetary value. “ (Junkins, 2011) In my opinion, while pets are in fact “purchased” and may be viewed as material property, the courts should also take the into account the intangible, non-financial benefits that they bring to their owner’s lives when looking to resolve custody issues, and not just their purchase price. Instead of being compared to a piece of furniture, which can be given to one of the parties and for which the other party can be financially compensated, perhaps, a companion animal might be considered in the same category as a treasured family heirloom which would represent financial worth and emotional value –a value to which a dollar amount could not be assigned. In this case, the courts might be willing to consider a shared custody arrangement between the 2 parties or minimally, a custody arrangement which would be in the best interest of the pet. Traditionally, in the case of divorce proceedings, family pets have been designated to live with the family member who will take custody of the children; however, in today’s culture where families are smaller, marriages are more fragile,  and where no children may exist in a marriage, the family pet may have replaced the role of a “human offspring.” In this case, especially, companion animals play a much greater role in a couple’s union, and it could be argued that their “value” to each member of that union is definitely greater than the purchase price of the animal. How then should the courts be handling pet custody cases, when historically the “pets as property” model has been sufficient, in response to the changing needs of society? Should companion animal custody cases be handled more like child custody cases? Or, at least, should the emotional merits that a family pet brings to its owners be factored into the equation when courts are ruling on pet custody cases vs. rendering a decision strictly based upon monetary value alone? In other words, should the courts adopt a new outlook on pet custody hearings?

Unfortunately, many of the courts today are not willing to do this, due to the overwhelming number of unresolved child custody cases which currently exist within the court system, the lack of legal precedent for pet custody cases, and the fear of being inundated with future pet custody cases which could in fact clog the court system and create an even bigger backlog than what exists today. ” Courts have also cited enforcement as a potential topic of concern, asking which agency will be responsible for monitoring (and enforcing) the arrangements, or determining whether the companion animal’s best interest will be met.“ (McClain, 2009) To date, Pennsylvania is one of the states that has held fast to the “pets as property” viewpoint and has not been open to entertaining other positions. “The guiding precedent for pet custody in Pennsylvania is known as "the Barney rule." It arose from a 2002 case, DeSanctis v. Pritchard, in which a couple had agreed in their divorce settlement to share possession of Barney, their golden retriever-Labrador mix. When the ex-wife remarried and moved away, Anthony DeSanctis went to court to enforce the agreement, arguing that the dog should be treated similarly to a child. DeSanctis lost, with the judge ruling that the dog was property, so the agreement was 'analogous in law to a visitation schedule for a table or lamp.” (Kalson, 2006) While I don’t think that the Dexter Ruling” in New Jersey which resulted in shared custody for the jointly owned common law couple (Gallagher, 2009) will single handedly change the mindset of the Pennsylvania courts, I do believe that over time, as more pet custody cases arise and as people demonstrate an increased willingness to invest great amounts of time and money to resolve their pet custody disputes, the laws of each state, including Pennsylvania, will be forced to evolve in accordance with the changing climate of society. “In a country in which we are spending over $11 billion annually on health care for companion animals, lawyers are going to see more and more animal-related issues coming to them, from tort claims against veterinarians to landlord-tenant disputes to animal custody cases.”(Tischler, 2006)  One lawyer at an Illinois law firm, Joyce O’Neill has even suggested that, instead of adding to the already overcrowded caseloads of the state courts, divorcing pet owners invoke a new form of Alternative Dispute Resolution (Miller, 2012, pg. 42) known asCollaborative Law to help settle pet custody issues. “Collaborative Law offers a non-adversarial approach to complex issues of divorce by assembling a team comprised of the parties, specially-trained attorneys, mental health professionals, and a financial advisor. The team works together to address all of the issues while prioritizing needs and goals, dealing effectively with emotions, and ultimately coming to a formal agreement that the parties are bound by.” (Craycraft, 2009) This forum for hearing and resolving pet custody disputes may provide an interim solution and even a permanent one for the increased number of pet custody disputes that are occurring in the United States. Either way, it is undeniable that the number of animal law cases, particularly as it relates to pet custody disputes is on the rise, and that these cases will present new and unique situations which will mandate a change in the current manner in which companion animals are viewed under the law. As Jonathan Rankin, a former attorney at the Boston Firm of Glickman Turley who recently left to start his own animal law firm, so aptly put it, “I am one that believes courts are always behind society. If corporations can be persons in the eyes of law, if ships can be persons in the eyes of the law, then the law should be able to figure out something for animals." (Bennett, 2007) I personally agree with Mr. Rankin’s perspective. Although adjustments to the ways in which animals are viewed in the Pennsylvania Court system may not happen overnight, the ever increasing emotional value that companion animals provide in relationships (especially non-traditional unions) will mandate a mind shift in the way pets are viewed by the courts, and will ultimately result in changes in the way pet custody disputes are resolved.

Works Cited:

Bennett, Drake. “Lawyer for the Dog.” Boston.com . The Boston Globe. (2007-2013.) Web. 11 March 2013. <<http://www.boston.com/news/globe/ideas/articles/2007/09/09/lawyer_for_the_dog/?page=full>>

Craycraft, Andrew. “Looking Out for Spot's Interests: A New Perspective on Custody.”Sotlaw.net. The Law Offices of Shriver, O’Neill and Thompson. 2009. Web. 12 March 2013. <<http://www.sotlaw.net/5.09.htm-  shriver   >>

Gallagher, Mary Pat. “Splitting Couple Awarded Joint Possession of Pet Pug.”Law.co. Law.com and ALMA website. (2009-2013).Web. 12 March 2013. <<http://www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id=1202434029986&Splitting_Couple_Awarded_Joint_Possession_of_Pet_Pug&slreturn=20130210173533>>

Junkins, Laurie. “Pets Are the New Kids: Fighting Your Ex for Custody.”  Nakedlaw.avvo.com. NakedLaw by Avvo. (2011.) Web 10 March 2013. <<http://nakedlaw.avvo.com/divorce/pets-are-the-new-kids-fighting-your-ex-for-custody.html#ixzz2NAw8j9WI>>

Kalson, Sally. “In pet custody battles, courts treat animals as property: A legal tug of war. ”. Pittsburgh Post Gazzette. (1997-2013). Web. 11 March 2013.<>

McClain, Tabby T. “Knick-Knack, Paddy-Whack, Give the Dog a Home: Custody Determination of Companion Animals Upon Guardian Divorce.” AnimalLaw.info.Michigan State University College of Law-Animal Legal and Historic Center. ( 2009). Web. 10 Mar. 2013 <<http://www.animallaw.info/articles/dduspetcustodyindivorce.htm>>

Miller, Roger LeRoy. Fundamentals of Business Law. Mason: Cengage Learning, 2012. Print.

Tischler, Joyce and Bruce Wagner. “Lawyers Must Plan for More Pet Custody Cases. “ALDF.org. Animal Legal Defense Fund. (2012). Web. 10 March 2013 <<http://aldf.org/article.php?id=308>>

“What to do if you are involved in a custody battle over your companion animal? Pet Custody-Fighting Over Fido.” ALDF.org. Animal Legal Defense Fund. (2012). Web. 10 March 2013. <<http://aldf.org/article.php?id=239>>

Do you want a decent relationship or do you want to ruin your daughter's wedding?

 "Child support payments typically stop when a child turns 18, Arons said. "That didn't make sense for our family, for a variety of reasons," she said. "For me, it goes through college. My attorney said, 'You won't get child support through college.' But me and my ex knew what was best. I got it."  Read more http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/03/21/collaborative-divorce-alternative-court-battles/2005209/